I'm starting to think that talking might be a good thing.
C and I went for a walk today. It's something we did pretty regularly after I first came out to her. We'd walk and talk for 45+ minutes. For both of us it was a good thing. It cleared the air; it made each of us feel heard; it made us each feel safe. C is an extrovert - she needs to process out loud to another person.
But I am not a talker. Inevitably, I would back off from the talking. There were many reasons: things looked good so don't rock the boat, I'm thinking of leaving but don't say anything yet, I haven't fully thought things out yet - I'm an introvert, I don't want to think things out fully - I'm afraid of where they'll lead.
But back to today. We must have walked for 30-45 minutes. Walking and chatting. At one point C was crying. It is so easy to misunderstand each other in the insanity of a "mixed orientation marriage." It doesn't help that our oldest is a bit screwed up right now especially in C's eyes. C thinks the oldest is thinking she might be trans rather than lesbian. My take is she is who she is even if she is a he. Not what I want - the added stigma. But in case you haven't noticed we're not always dealt a fair hand.
C has had it tougher in some ways since I checked out mentally a while back - depression and all. That has been going on intermittently for 6 years now.
We also spent a bit of time talking about the kids and coming out to them. That felt good.
The kicker came as we talked about what the kids might fear. That is, they might fear that we would separate. My response was my usual punt - "we're working that out." C thought they (as she does) might need more than that.
My response was that we would tell them that we would be there for them to care for them and to love them no matter what else. That that was our job and we would do that. C's response gave me hope and reminded me of something I've been fearing of late.
"Even if we're not together we'll still be family." I'm not sure what form I want that to take, but I do know that C and I have been very good with and for each other over the past 27 years of marriage - our 27th anniversary is around the corner.
The hope is that we will be able to be far more than civil to each other. The fear is that I will hurt her sufficiently that it will not be healthy for her to keep in close contact. What I know sitting here is that I am responsible for only my side of the relationship. I am not and cannot be in control of what C does or feels.
Damn - I'm almost healthy :)
Perhaps more importantly for the first time in a very long time I am hopeful for the future in a manner that doesn't require me to have blinders on.
On a side note, Geoffrey at "A Journey by myself" but out a post here that I too feel. I don't have a clue as to what brought it on. I do know that at times I pour a bit of me into this. Ultimately, I am writing all of this for myself primarily. It helps me keep straight (so to speak) what's going on in my head. Writing it down makes me consider things more deeply. Secondly, it acts as a journal - when I first started I was afraid to have anything locally on a computer. It is so easy for me to forget where I've been. Going and reading over old posts has, on occasion, helped me - even if it's only to say damn I'm doing it again.
If my blog helps others great! If it doesn't, go and read elsewhere.