Sunday, June 23, 2013

So, made a two fold plan at therapy the other day.

The first is that we (C and I) will move toward my coming out to the kids.  In looking for graphics to go a long with that I found plenty for coming out to parents.  I think it will be interestingly different to come out to kids.  We shall see.

The reasons:

I want to separate coming out from separation/divorce.  Sure, it's the reason why, but I don't want to tie the two together in space and time.  I am beginning to realize more and more that my reticence to move forward is a result of my not wanting to look like the bad guy.

Coming out to the kids may help give context to my insanity over the past few years - to the depression I've experienced.

Most importantly, I worry that my being gay could be functioning like a family secret.  It's not, especially since with regard to sexuality we don't want to know much about our parents (shudder).  But there is something up and naming it can help; it can make the kids realize it's not them.  This might be particularly helpful with number 1 and her stuff.

The second part of the plan is for the therapist and I to role play.  She and I will practice telling C.  Interestingly, I will play the part of C at least some time.  The goal here as I understand it is for me to get used to the words.  I can hear them in my head,but hearing them out loud especially where another person can hear them is, well, overwhelming. 

The odd thing is that C is telling me that she wants to hold on for the long haul.  Our intimacy in almost every senses has dropped to nothing.  We don't talk a lot except about work.  We don't have sex.  C has taken to wearing a shirt to bed - something she did a few years back when I think she was either thinking of leaving or thinking that I was.  

I feel like I am living two lives as a result - one where she is hoping I will stay and one where I know I cannot without risking the big D of depression.  Perhaps she has more hope because I'm coming out of the depression in a way I haven't for a long time.  One of the reasons of course is that I have decided I cannot stay.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.  When first we practice to deceive.

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