Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Dazed and Confused at the chiropractor's office

I've kvetched about my concussion a few times over the past few weeks. It really has been a pain in so many ways.  I had a CT scan done this morning as a precautionary measure to make sure there are no issues.   I fully expect the scan to show nothing. 

Two issues developed today at my chiropractic appointment.  The first is that today the chiropractor quipped that my cognitive issues (confusion, inability to focus and the like) are taking more time than average especially given the severity of my concussion, or rather the lack of severity. 

As I was leaving the office it dawned on me - I am not sure that it is really or at least fully the accident.  How much of the cognitive issue here is just part and parcel of my inability to be completely effective at work and life over the course of the last several years.  How much mental computing power do I spend trying to figure out the gay thing and my relationship with C.  In then end, no - the accident has made my lack of ability to concentrate and irritability significantly  worse, but I do spend an inordinate amount of time both thinking about and trying to avoid thinking about being gay and married to a woman - how's that for dazed and confused - spending too much time thinking about and avoiding the same thing.  I do spend way too much time cycling through thoughts.  It has gotten better this time with therapy.  But now the real heavy lifting begins - at least by the end of summer.

The second development at the chiropractor's office is that he's cute.  He talks WAY to much and seems to lack some professional boundaries (nothing huge yet).  He's also married (to a woman) and we all know that means he can't be gay.  BUT he seems to spend a bit of time on muscle work on my back including lower back.  Very lower back shall we say :).  Today he topped it off by massaging the sides of my head which he has never done before.  It's not that he's making me uncomfortable; in fact, I sort like playing with the idea.  Today I imagined grabbing his ass as he adjusted me - I guess I am gay after all - neither dazed nor confused in this sense. 

Goal for Wednesday- chat with C about coming out to the kids.  Perhaps make a plan for her to come to one of my therapy appointments so we can practice.  If we go that route I will be interested in later reflection with the therapist about C and especially our interactions.

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