Jim at Conflicting Clarity has the best picture for inertia when he commented on Rob's post; I've shamelessly stolen it here. The picture speaks to me. There are many days when I have felt like this motorcyclist. The price of change is too great - the inertia will send me flying to a painful if not deadly landing.Right now and for the past bit though I know that the road I'm on is the trouble. While I still am not looking forward to flying through the air like our friend on the motorcycle, there is the nascent belief that there will be less pain on the other side once I've done what needs to be done.
Last week in therapy I made the crack that the grass is not always greener on the other side in that divorce/separation whatever holds for C and me may not be better than what I have now. In a departure from therapeutic detachment the therapist says oh yes it is. She is right. What I have done to myself in these past years is far worse than anything C would or even could do.
So, overcoming inertia. Perhaps it takes hitting that wall, even at full speed, with the faith or at least hope that the grass is greener on the other side. It will not with without pain - both the pain from fear in anticipation and pain from the landing.
Now, I know - all talk and no action. There are three frogs on a log in the pond and one spots a really juicy fly nearby, but out of tongue range. One frog decides to jump after the fly. How many frogs are on the log?
It's time to NOT be that frog left on the log with his friends.
This week's baby steps:
1. Lunch at a gay restaurant in town.
2. Meet with John, who is mentoring me - discuss gay social outlet.
Congratulations on all the progress you`ve made so far! I think that you are far from in a state of inertia. And yes, the end result, a life of truth and openness, is very much worth the difficulties ahead.
ReplyDeleteYour journey seems so much like mine over the past 2 - 3 years. I like how you post about your next step in your gay journey.
I did that for years as a means of not losing courage. I`d announce to everyone online that I was going to do some gay thing .. .and then I`d have to to ahead with it! (examples include coming out to my kids, going to a gay stripper bar, gay sex etc)
There are dozens of things that I could say (and in fact, have said in my blog) but I would advise one thing: tread carefully and respectfully with respect to your wife and family.
It will make your separation and divorce so much less costly if you remain as amicable as you possibly can. I know this will be a hard (or impossible) thing to achieve. In fact, some of this may be out of your control.
After coming out, I enjoyed huge support from my wife`s family and all her friends, and even (somewhat) from my wife. But that support would have evaported quickly if I had thrown myself into OPENLY `sleazy behaviour,` too much, too soon. This is a common mistake made by newly-out formerly closeted guys. I was very sleazy but discreetly. LOL
Do be sleazy but in a discreet way so as not to rub salt in your wife`s wounds. Doing so would cause her to be humiliated publically and encourage vindictive behaviour on her part. This will inevitably lead to a punishing and expensive legal battle during your divorce negotations.
Your wife should know that you did love her at one point, as much as a closeted gay guy could have. If you`re not sure that you actually did love here fully, a little white lie is needed here. At the time you thought you did love her.
And despite her erratic behaviour, she still deserves respect as the mother of your child. Particularly since two of you will remain tired together as parents to some degree, even after your divorce.
But always keep in mind your needs as well and your ultimate goal: `What do I want?` Don`t give away the farm during your divorce proceedings out of some misplaced guilt (also common amongst formerly-closeted married guys).
There`s no point in having an exciting new gay life if you don`t have enough money to buy food.
Good luck!
Buddy Bear
ReplyDeleteThanks! Make sure to keep giving me a kick about not giving away the farm. I have an overly developed sense of guilt that has already led me to think about giving up too much without really thinking about it.
I like the idea of discreet sleaziness. Something to look forward to :).