I am practiced at hiding important aspects of myself away. So practiced that I can even hide them from myself.
Yet, when I first came out to C a lot of my thought and talk was around how I needed to be "authentic." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant or, more importantly, what it entailed, but knew that I needed follow the Bard's dictum of "To thine own self be true."
Today authenticity means that I have to accept that I am gay - not bi, not straight. Not bad, not evil. Simply gay. Now, that is more complicated in my case since I am married and a father.
But gayness is not the only thing I need to be authentic about!! Indeed, there are a whole host of other aspects about myself about which I need to be authentic. In other words I need to be who and what I am.
Most importantly right now is to proceed with caution and care - being authentic to my need to care for C and the kids.
The tension is that I tend to think that it is better for the kids if I compartmentalize and try to live the straight life I have. I have of course tried that. And tried and retried - ad nauseam.
I bumped into a blog by Liz Boltz Ranfeld whose dad famously came out. To me the blog offers hope that the kids will be all right. Most importantly, I know that things as they are do not work - they don't work for me, for C or for the kids. I have tried and that road leads to dangerous depression and hopelessness. I hang out in some interesting circles. Last night I was with a group of folks and suicide came up - something I've toyed with all too frequently. One person, another Jim, put it well. I thought of suicide as a way to stop the pain , but all it would have done is multiple the pain for other people. The pain that leads me to thinking that suicide is an option (note I do NOT currently think it is) is overwhelming, but it would indeed not go away, but would multiple if I were to carry it through.
Today to be authentic means also realizing that I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I cannot be authentically gay and authentically married to C. And that to be whole I have to be authentically gay. Therefore, I cannot be married to C. That's incredibly difficult.
That is heartbreaking. Authenticity often is.
My kids quickly discovered that it is much better living in two relatively happier homes than in one fraught with tension.
ReplyDeleteChildren of divorce need not end up damaged but it takes a willingness on the part of the divorcing parents to put aside their anger and bitterness.
The problem is that this is extremely hard for the "wife of" a gay married man to do. It's something that is mainly out of your control.
Here is an interesting cbc documentary on the subject: How to Divorce and not Wreck the Kids
Ah - but the rub is that except for being gay and the depression I have when I try to ignore/suppress/back-burning being gay we have a very good relationship. Thanks for the documentary; I'll check it out.
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