Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Turtles All the Way Down

There's a small benefit to the lack of sleep that I'm getting and streaming through Netflix.  On occasion I bump into a show or movie that has some relevance to the situation I find myself in.

Recently, I found Awake which was cancelled after the first season.  Spoiler Alert - I will be giving away the ending if you care.

The central character, Michael, appears to have been in an accident with his wife and son.  At that point his reality appears to split.  In one his son has died; in the other his wife has.  He flips between them regularly; indeed each time he awakes he is in the other reality.  The shrink in each one tells him this is real; he ought to realize that and get on with normal life.  He is grief stricken at the possibility of loosing either reality and relieved that both his wife and son are alive, albeit in different universes.

That too me seems analogous to the situation I am in.  I have two realities.  A gay one and a married to C one.  They cannot live together.  If Michael "chooses" one reality, the other must die.  For me too if I choose one reality, the other must die.  If I am gay, marriage (for me) to a woman cannot be. If I am married to C, then I suppress being gay with negative consequences.  Both cannot, at least for me, in the same reality.  To try to do so is insane and certainly leads me in the direction of insanity.

There is a false hope that I hang on to and that (BIG  SPOILER ALERT) the last episode of Awake indulges in.  My hope is that magically all will change and I can some how live gay and monogamously married to C.  The last episode has shows us that Michael is in the reality where his wife has died.  In the final minutes of the show he is talking with the "real" psychiatrist.  She applauds is choosing reality over the dream of the other reality.  He ponders that perhaps that was a dream within a dream that he is currently in.  That perhaps he can choose both.  As the shrink is saying to him it's turtles all the way down the action pauses.  (I thought something was wrong with Netflix and/or my connection).  Then a door opens.  Magically, Michael is in a reality where both his son and wife are alive.

There is no magic solution. 

The subtitle of the blog comes from Lou Reed's album Magic and Loss

I want some sort of magic solution to make things right.  Iwant life to be fair; I want people to get what they deserve and rail against injustice, real or perceived.  When evil still happens I can easily say that say life is not good. 

I ask myself what's good. 

The answer:  "Life's good, but not fair at all."


  1. My prediction is that if you and your wife end your marriage, each of you will eventually end up in a better situation. Happier, with an enormous sense of freedom and (if you're lucky) friendly with each other. This process may very well take some years to happen.

    That is not necessarily an "unfair" end result but some angst, pain and much courage may be required to get to that point.

  2. My prediction is that Buddy Bear's prediction will prove to be 100% accurate.

    Read the most recent post from the blog "A Woman Divorced from a Gay Man" and you'll see how your wife might feel about you in a few years.