- I was depressed. Seriously depressed. More than I had been in a very long while. It was not good. It was however briefer. I switched from the generic effexor (still getting occasional brain zaps) to generic welbutrin. It does not seem to be working as well on mood or depression. Although I have a lot less side effects.
- I was beginning to take myself too seriously or at least the blog. I was checking the number of hits on the site as some sort of affirmation of who and what I am. I forgot that I was writing the blog for me more than for anyone who might read it - hope that doesn't burst anyone's bubble :-). But I've found processing out loud, so to speak, with the blog works. I have another that is completely private - this one for some reason works better. I then see how right or how asinine I can be. A lot of the comments have been very supportive and/or helpful.
- I needed to see if the blog helps or hurts. It helps me. And that is the bottom line I keep overlooking. In my journey through being gay and married and a father of younger children (youngest just turned 10) what helps me. Somewhere along the line I have internalized that I don't matter, that I should sacrifice myself, etc. That leads to all sorts of craziness and dishonesty - we all work to meet our needs one way or another even if we "seem" to be self-sacrificing - or at least that is my experience. Of course my needs matter. So do those of C and the kids. And as a dad there are times the kids needs are prioritized over mine - hell a lot of the time that's the case. But my needs don't fall off the map no matter what - that is not a moral judgement, but IMNSHO is a matter of fact. I can look at them upfront and honestly or I can ignore them and let them play behind the scenes. Today I choose the former.
I want to live on my own as a gay man. I want to remain married to this wonderfully supportive woman. Part of the issue is that my wants are conflicting.
Fear. Paralyzing fear seems to be where I am at this point.
The problem in my history is that then I pull back - way back - into a (seemingly) impenetrable shell. And I have begun to do that already. The therapist C and I were seeing has dropped off the map. We went on vacation, she went on vacation and I haven't reconnected. And I don't want to. Nor am I motivated to find some one else.
Then when I have pulled in enough the depression hits hard. The suicidality then follows pretty quickly. I remember this as a kid when I first shut (slammed shut) the very thought that I might even be a teensiest bit not entirely straight!! Seriously - I couldn't even think around it. I spent a good bit of time putting myself in harms way. I was actively suicidal for most of the teen years. That has continued, very infrequently, over the years. But since I've been dealing (or not dealing) with being gay and married it has returned more.
But I cannot see the future state of the picture. What I see is the current state. I don't like it very much. I'm depressed. C is depressed. I am walking around ready to bite anyone's head off for the smallest of reasons. I've been walking around like Sue Sylvester on Glee - I'll slap you down for no reason whatsoever.
I can sort of see the tension - I don't look forward to it. But it can't be any worse than the current state except that it is unknown. Again fear of the unknown is the chief motivation for not moving. And the tension holds positive promise. There is a future state out there - not all the pieces will be idyllic or even okay. But it holds promise to be better than the current state. The only promise that the current state holds is to get worse.