Thursday, July 28, 2011

Creative Tension

So back at it.  Reasons that I took a week:
  1. I was depressed.  Seriously depressed.  More than I had been in a very long while.  It was not good.  It was however briefer.  I switched from the generic effexor (still getting occasional brain zaps) to generic welbutrin.  It does not seem to be working as well on mood or depression.  Although I have a lot less side effects.  
  2. I was beginning to take myself too seriously or at least the blog.  I was checking the number of hits on the site as some sort of affirmation of who and what I am.  I forgot that I was writing the blog for me more than for anyone who  might read it - hope that doesn't burst anyone's bubble :-).  But I've found processing out loud, so to speak, with the blog works.  I have another that is completely private - this one for some reason works better.  I then see how right or how asinine I can be.  A lot of the comments have been  very supportive and/or helpful. 
  3. I needed to see if the blog helps or hurts.  It helps me.  And that is the bottom line I keep overlooking.  In my journey through being gay and married and a father of younger children (youngest just turned 10) what helps me.  Somewhere along the line I have internalized that I don't matter, that I should sacrifice myself, etc.  That leads to all sorts of craziness and dishonesty - we all work to meet our needs one way or another even if we "seem" to be self-sacrificing - or at least that is my experience.  Of course my needs matter.  So do those of C and the kids.  And as a dad there are times the kids needs are prioritized over mine - hell a lot of the time that's the case.  But my needs don't fall off the map no matter what - that is not a moral judgement, but IMNSHO is a matter of fact.  I can look at them upfront and honestly or I can ignore them and let them play behind the scenes.  Today I choose the former. 
    So where am I at this point.  I am afraid to have a deep conversation with C because I fear where it will go.  I do not see us having a future.  This will cause pain.  I am not ready to move out, to be away from the kids, or frankly be away from C since she is my main support through all this.

    I want to live on my own as a gay man.  I want to remain married to this wonderfully supportive woman.  Part of the issue is that my wants are conflicting.

    Fear.  Paralyzing fear seems to be where I am at this point.  

    The problem in my history is that then I pull back - way back - into a (seemingly) impenetrable shell.  And I have begun to do that already.  The therapist C and I were seeing has dropped off the map.  We went on vacation, she went on vacation and I haven't reconnected.  And I don't want to.   Nor am I motivated to find some one else.

    Then when I have pulled in enough the depression hits hard.  The suicidality then follows pretty quickly.  I remember this as a kid when I first shut (slammed shut) the very thought that I might even be a teensiest bit not entirely straight!!  Seriously - I couldn't even think around it.  I spent a good bit of time putting myself in harms way.  I was actively suicidal for most of the teen years.  That has continued, very infrequently, over the years.  But since I've been dealing (or not dealing) with being gay and married it has returned more.

    I'm back in - or still at - a place of tension.  I hope it is a place of creative tension.   I had written about that some time ago.  The blog helps me move through or at least lessen the negative aspects of the tension, relieving it to a level that is tolerable.  In the midst of the tension I get all to easily to a place where I see no workable solution. 

    But I cannot see the future state of the picture.  What I see is the current state.  I don't like it very much.  I'm depressed. C is depressed.  I am walking around ready to bite anyone's head off for the smallest of reasons.  I've been walking around like Sue Sylvester on Glee - I'll slap you down for no reason whatsoever. 

    I can sort of see the tension - I don't look forward to it.  But it can't be any worse than the current state except that it is unknown.  Again fear of the unknown is the chief motivation for not moving.  And the tension holds positive promise.  There is a future state out there - not all the pieces will be idyllic or even okay.  But it holds promise to be better than the current state.  The only promise that the current state holds is to get worse. 

    Monday, July 18, 2011

    Going offline

    All thanks for the support. 

    Gotta go offline.  We'll see how it goes.  Might be longer than a week.

    Sunday, July 17, 2011

    Taking Pause

    It's so easy to get so wrapped up in all of this. It can block out other things that matter.  I've spent years going over being gay and married and what that means.  It has sucked up a lot of energy and even a lot of joy.

    Taking time off is a necessary thing - not to try to make it go away, but to get perspective.  Sometimes I am able to do this intentionally by doing things like stopping for a moment to see and appreciate beauty - the moonrise the other day, sunrise this morning, a child joyfully running about. Going to a car show yesterday with the two younger ones was a way to do that - we just argued about which cars we liked.  #2 daughter and I liked the same one most. 

    Then there are the moments that really give pause and put things into perspective. Two such events happened for me yesterday.  One of my volunteers was in a position where it was best that he call a woman to notify her that her son had died a week ago.  She had not known and the medical examiner would not release the body without positive identification from a relative.  I don't have all the details yet, but informing a woman of the untimely death of her son trumps anything in my day.

    Then yesterday C pulls me aside.  She and #1 daughter have been talking.  They spent a good bit of Saturday sequestered while I had the other children.  It seems #1 thinks she may be bi.  Or perhaps lesbian.  While I buy that there are people who are bi (sorry couldn't resist), I think it can be a stopping place that is safer and easier to deal with than being gay or lesbian.

    I am not out to her or her sibs yet. 

    What a bombshell.  Thousands of thoughts went through my head in a matter of seconds - that explains #1's self-injurious behavior, wonderful someone to walk the journey with,  joy (and jealousy) that she can do this as a teen rather than wait until she in her 40's, I should come out to her, we all should be in therapy . . .  We'll see how that works out in the coming weeks.

    There is joy on the other side of the journey I am on as a man who is gay and married to a woman. Indeed there us joy on the journey and sometimes even because of the journey.

    Today I will grab some of that joy.  

    - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

    Saturday, July 16, 2011

    Throwing Stones

    Yes I did pull over on the highway to take this one.
    Moonrise over the hills.
    Moonrise over poverty.
    Been doing a bit of reflecting over the past couple of days.  Some of it was just taking some mental time off and looking around.  The pictures don't do it justice, but the moonrise on my way into work was amazing. 

    It is a wonderful thing to take a moment and look around.  The moonrise in front of me over the river and the sunset behind me were poignant.  One beautiful thing was waning as another was rising.  Each wondrous in  its own right, but not compatible together.

    Then I get to work and all goes well - I work from 8pm-ish to 10pm-ish on Thursdays.  The poverty is palpable.  Other pictures showed a glorious moon next to a boarded up city-owned (but identifiable) building. 

    After work I got home and took two of the kids to see HP7.2 (the new Harry Potter movie).  Yes we were some of the fools in line for a midnight showing.  And we had great fun.  C was sick and could not come.  The eldest was away.

    Yes I cried during the movie - quietly.  The pain of death, change, and relationships was also poignant.   The relationship I am in is changing.  I was going to say dying, but I hope that that is not the case.  It has changed. HP 7.2 brought that to the fore for me.  People die, people betray one another, people sacrifice all for love.

    Then shouldn't I sacrifice all for love.  No.  Sacrificing for love is life-affirming; it is healthy; it does not lead to resentment.  If I sacrifice being gay it brings death to my spirit; it is unhealthy and leads to depression and anger; it makes me resent C, the kids and almost everything else.

    So, the Harry Potter series, a paragon of pop culture leads this gay boy to the re-realization that the closet doesn't work; it cannot work.

    The revelations from pop culture continued today (Friday).  The oldest was in NH for the weekend with the daughter of old friends.  The woman was at our wedding.  There's an interesting backstory there I'll write about sometime.

    Any way I have to drive and drive and drive today to get the oldest since C was sick.  I left work at noonish and got home around 8pm.  Thankfully our friend was able to bring the oldest 3 hours closer to home!! 

    My musical tastes are eclectic to say the least - classical, early middle ages, folk, traditional folk, Celtic, Lady Gaga, among many others.  I was listening to a Dead album while stuck in traffic on the Mass Pike.  In the Dark is one of my favorites - "Touch of Grey", "Hell in a Bucket", West LA Fadeaway, My Brother Esau, and Throwing Stones. 

    I know gay boy and the Dead don't go together - at least in my mind.  It's a remnant of smoking pot every morning in high school to suppress being gay.  It worked; sort of.

    So, there I am with a tear in my eye and laughing out loud as I listen to "Throwing Stones". 

    "There's a fear down here we can't forget.
    Hasn't got a name just yet.
    Always awake, always around,
    Singing ashes, ashes, all fall down.
    Ashes, ashes, all fall down.

    Now watch as the ball revolves
    And the nighttime falls.
    Again the hunt begins,
    Again the bloodwind calls.
    By and by, the morning sun will rise,
    But the darkness never goes
    From some men's eyes.
    It strolls the sidewalks and it rolls the streets,
    Staking turf, dividing up meat.
    Nightmare spook, piece of heat,
    It's you and me.
    You and me."

    That fear.   I don't know what the Dead were talking about here.  But that fear was a fear of myself.  It was a fear of what I knew but could not look at, dared no look at.  Being gay.  It was always awake and always around despite trying to smoke and drink it away - leading me to death - to ashes.

    For some of us the darkness never goes.  But on the Mass Pike on a gloriously sunny day going 20mph in traffic - the Dead reminded me that I am gay.  That that is okay.  That I do not have to have that fear in my eyes.  I have looked that fear in the eye and seen that when I do that the fear vanishes.  The fear (rather than me) turns to ashes.

    Thursday, July 14, 2011

    Agonizing or ulterior motives exposed?

    Two Lives who writes If I Do the Right Thing commented on my last post.  I think he is right - I am on a slow crawl toward the inevitable and agonizing about it.  I am not sure that C sees it as inevitable, but I am by no means sure; that I am not sure is a symptom of our waning communication.  Nor am I sure that she would eventually throw me out for that (which I don't think is a particularly good/healthy thing for her). 

    The agonizing is what interests me here though. 

    More to the point, I wonder sometimes if I am not moving slowly and cautiously so that (in the hope that) C will eventually say - "enough is enough - get the F*** out of here."  She has mentioned this.  That is, she has said that she will not fall into that trap - if I want to go I have to man up and say it.   It would be easier on my part if C does throw me out.  I am not the bad guy then, the guy who left his family to live as a gay man.  I would then, in a sense, be absolved of guilt.  And of responsibility. 

    My issue in one sense is simple.  I want to avoid pain.  I don't want to feel it.  I don't want to cause it.  I don't want to be seen to be causing it.  At work one of my volunteer's grand daughters is in crisis.  She's been married for 4-5 years with a small child and the husband up and left.  Even though that is not where I am or what I am doing there is that fear.  The scorn, disbelief and confusion in the volunteers voice is palpable. 

    Then there is the twisted pride behind some of it.  C once reminded me way back in the beginning that I am not all that important.  If I were to leave she would be able to deal.  Not that it would be easy or that's what she wants, but it would not be the end of the world.  "Now I have become Shiva, destroyer of worlds."  If I leave things will fall apart.  I am the lynchpin, or at least one of them, in the lives of C and the kids.

    Really, I am that important?  C does claim that the kids "would never be the same".  Well of course.  And if C or I die; if a grandparent dies, if a friend moves away, . . . they will not be the same.  Life is, after all, about adjusting to the decisions we make and the situations we find ourselves in with varying levels of control.   Some of that is C trying to maneuver me into staying or so I think.

    But really, the kids will survive.  I am the product of a "broken home" and I turned out okay.  Well not really for quite a few years, but that ball was in my court not my parents.   I will be there more for my kids than my dad was - not difficult given that I hardly ever saw him again over the next 20 years of his life.  I will show up and be counted.  I will man up. 

    So now it's time to continue on the job hunt - more money being the prime goal.  If you know of any good non-profit admin jobs in the northeastern US or even eastern Canada shoot me an email!! 

    And then to read Jim at Conflicting Clarity about a year and a half ago.

    Off to the shrink of Friday and out on the town Friday night.

    The plan is still the same, but it may be time to man up.  My experience tells me that I won't.  At least not right away.  But that in the end I will.  There is not a heck of a lot of choice is there.

    One of the wonderful things about the blogosphere is that there are others out there with the same story.  Not only am I not alone in that sense, but I have the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of those who have preceded me.  What a wonderful thing it is to learn from the mistakes of others. 

    Tuesday, July 12, 2011

    Im Westen nichts Neues (All Quiet on the Western Front)

    I love Wikipedia.  Information that's usually reliable at one's fingertips, at least about some things. 

    So sitting at work today with the brain zaps that are really detracting from my quality of life.  I can't concentrate well, I have the constant zapping - sometimes as loud as an electric bug zapper or crickets and I am on edge - anything can set me into a rage.  I almost had #3 in tears yesterday over nothing, but was able to pull it back in time.

    Anyway, C says yesterday that she would like to spend time chatting with me.  Just to connect.  But it's clear to both of us that this is not a good time given how labile I've been.

    But that has made me begin to think of where I am and what I need.  First the job search is going slowly.  I was beginning to think that I could stay where I am.  The work is great, the workers are great, even if being out would be difficult.  But another discussion with those above me made it clear that this would not be wise.  While I only encounter them very irregularly, I want to dope slap them.  They don't get the organization, they don't get the cash flow, they don't do much of anything to help - whine, whine.  So issue #1, get a job; it is time to move on for many reasons.  This will likely involve moving, at least for me.  Which gets to #2.  

    #2 is that I love C, she loves me, we have a relationship that is better than most hetero-hetero ones we know.  But, and indeed it is a big but(t) (nice opportunity to add a gratuitous picture), the incompatibility is too much when we are together.  My experience show that I cannot sanely keep my feet in two different worlds.  I am the one who is split in two.  Sure divorce will likely temporarily split C in two.  Staying together will most likely permanently split me in two.  Frankly divorce will temporarily split me in two - but that will be temporary; I will heal from that sort of split.

    I know the track record too well.   I suppress being gay with limited outlets like the internet.  I become detached from life.  I become depressed.  I realize it does not work doing that.  I get better.  Things are good as they are; I don't want to disrupt the status quo.  I suppress being gay . . . and the cycle begins again.  I mentioned a poem bu Portia Nelson on my June 27, 2011 post that sums up the process well.  I'm on the same street again.  But now I have a map both to avoid the whole and to find a different street. 

    The meds have helped with the depression piece.  In that sense the Effexor did work.  My hope is that the med I'm on now will do that and not have the side effects and withdrawal nightmare.  The cycle was quicker without a deep sink into depression.  In that sense the effexor was even worth it as much as it has had negative effects.

    So, The Plan.

    1.  Maintain status quo for now.  Maybe even let on that I think the marriage can work.  That is a dangerous game since in order to lie I will likely have to come to believe it myself. 

    2.  Set things up to make it easier to split.  Encourage C to go back to school.

    3.  Remember it could be a lengthy process.  I may have to stick around in some sense for a while to set things up well.  I love C and the kids and want to do right by them (and me).

    4.  Job - get one that pays better.  I think a third of my pay will be child support.  I was the product of a divorce where this was not done.  I don't think any support, or at least not much, was paid.

    5.  Be out. 

    Okay not not quite like the to the right with the mohawk.  I have never wanted a mohawk - good thing since I couldn't have a real one for at least a decade.

    Be out like

    Most of this was written yesterday.

    The zaps are a little better right now.  I found a site that says breathing deeply works on the zaps and on the anger.  It also works on my blood pressure which has been elevated.  Yet another reason to restart meditation.  Maybe I will this time.

    I don't like the plan I out lined above.  It sucks!  But it is the best plan out there.  Life is good, but often unfair.  "What's good?  Life's good; but not fair at all."  Lou Reed.

    Saturday, July 9, 2011

    Effexor Sucks

    My apologies in advance if the post is a bit disjointed - that's how I feel.  I've been of the generic version of effexor since the end of April.  I moved from 37.5 to 75 and then to 150mg pretty quickly.  The good news was that the depression and anxiety lifted markedly within a couple of weeks.

    The depression got really bad over the past bit as I struggled to suppress being gay.  Became dangerous again early in the year.  C and the therapist finally forced/threatened me to go on meds - thank god.

    But then the side effects - wicked dry mouth which went away.  Then the sexual ones.  Lack of libido, then to add insult to injury even when I could get it up I couldn't get it out.  One of the side effects of this crap is inability to orgasm (happens in women too according to a friend). 

    So two weeks ago I talk to the shrink.  He moves me back to 37.5 (he had already moved me from 150 to 75mg).  And adds that if the sexual dysfunction keeps up I could get off it and maintain the wellbutrin he'd put me on.  The dysfunction lessens, but I decide Wednesday should be my last dose given the side effects including blood pressure issues which has C freaked. 

    Then Thursday at 6pm, the time I take the dose, I notice that I feel kind of crappy.  A bit dizzy almost.  And it's like I have trouble finding words or like I'm a printed page with words randomly missing.

    Brain zaps begin later that day.  It feels like and sounds like very small electrical pulses in the head.  Yes, sounds like - auditory and visual hallucinations are a potential side effect.  At least I haven't seen anything that's not there (I hope).  The zaps seem less when I don't move at all - any movement can bring them on.  I went from 9am to 4pm and again from 8pm to 9:30pm with very few.  Sometimes I get as many as 25-50 a minute - one right after the other. 

    Insomnia is a side effect too - hence the 2:30am local time that I'm doing this.  

    Time to be still at least to lessen the zaps.  To sleep - perchance to dream.

    Not sure how long the withdrawal will last.   Again - what a long strange trip

    Friday, July 8, 2011

    Highly offensive and offended

    As a former Catholic, former altar boy and, dare I say it, former seminarian, I find  the picture in Michael-in-Norfolk's post HERE  (picture to the right) highly offensive.  The picture equates Benedict XVI with Darth Vader.  This is unjustified and unfair.

    The picture should be retracted as soon as possible with a public apology.  How dare anyone compare the Holy Father to Darth Vader. 

    Now Michael could well have used photos such as these below.

    Or even this video. 

    All are far less offensive.

    We must remember that, in the end, Darth Vader rejected the Dark Side and embraced goodness.  Thus far Benedict and his minions seem more like the Emperor - bent on continuing to corrupt others even when faced with the consequences of their actions.  To equate Benedict and Darth Vader is to do Vader a grave disservice.  A comparison with Darth Sidious with his unrepentant attitude seems much more justified.

    More to the point and with my tongue removed from my cheek, Michael and the NCR are correct to point out the hubris, ignorance and utterly failed leadership of a bunch of guys most assume are straight speaking about gay marriage especially when they ignored, facilitated and/or participated in acts of sexual savagery with children - both male and female.  And then blamed this savagery on "homosexuals" instead of their own complicity and participation. And further commenced on a witch-hunt on gays and lesbians (women religious) as if preventing their participation in vowed religious life will be a panacea.  While comparing Benedict XVI (not so warmly referred to as "the Rat" when he was merely Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger) to Darth Sidious might be overstated, it hits far too close to home, especially for those of us who know people affected by predator clergy.  Five.  I know that I know 5 people who were sexually abused by priests.  I am sure there are others who have not shared that with me.

    Thursday, July 7, 2011

    I am (no longer) alone

    I got a comment from Not Alone who blogs at Gay Married in the Midwest.  He stated, "you are not alone."

    I think that that has been one of the most amazing things over the years.  Six, eight years ago when the process first began, I knew of one person who had come out in a marriage.  It was the woman of a couple C and I knew who came out, moved out, and moved in with another friend of ours.  The husband was devastated and was for some time.  It all happened within the course of a few months.

    So, I thought that there was no one out there in the same situation.  The gay Episcopal priest I went to in the very beginning was very little help - he was no help at all, except that he was cute and I realized how gay I was when I wanted to jump his bones.  The thought still brings a smile to my face and . . . But he did not suggest any connection to a group or individual who were in the same situation.

    Here I was 18 years married (at the time), just coming out to myself and feeling completely alone, isolated and bereft of all support. 

    I felt battered and hopeless.  My solution of suppressing being gay more did NOT work.  That suppression led to depression and suicidality.  Just today I was thinking - I haven't seriously wanted to kill myself in months!!  The sad thing is that that is remarkable; it's a sad thing that I should feel great because I've not wanted to kill myself for months instead of never having felt that way.

    But Not Alone is right.  I am not alone.

    There are tons of us out there - way more than I ever thought.  For those who may still feel alone let me share resources I have found - some of which I've used.

    Internet groups/listservs:

    HOW - Husbands out to their wives - contact Frazer -

    HUGS - Hope-Understanding-Growth-Support.
    For "mixed orientation couples"  Both must join- HUGS

    MMOMW Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work  MMOMW

    Bisexual Married Men of America BMMA

    MMOM Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage MMOM

    Spouses out to their spouses SOTTS

    The above seem focused somewhat or entirely on working within a male/female marriage.  Some are very explicit that this is the goal.

    Forum for married/bi men HERE

    Closed Loop Relationships They state, "A closed-loop relationship consists of two married men who don't cheat on their wives with other women and who don't fool around with other guys."  As I understand it ideally the wives know.


    Other Websites I found helpful

    Married Male

    Married Gay

    Gay Friendly Religious Sites - haven't always checked these out
    Be VERY careful not to wonder into some ex-gay bullshit.  I've seen Christian, Jewish and Muslim ex-gay groups out there.  It's easy to wander into and REALLY warped.
    I don't know about you, but I've run into a disproportionate amount of guys who are or were raised conservative or Orthodox Jews, Roman Catholics and evangelicals.  Perhaps those traditions are  closet makers.


    Gay Christian Network - note they accept folks who think gay relationships are fine and those who think it is fine to be gay, but not to be gay sexually. But they seem to explicitly reject ex-gay BS.

    Gay Buddhist Sangha

    Gay Buddhist Open Forum Yahoo Group

    Queer Jews in Sydney

    Jewish Gay Youth

    This site expired a couple of weeks ago.   I included it in case it comes back online Al-fatiha

    Gay & Lesbian Arab Society


    Inner Circle

    Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association

    Geographically specific sites

    Gay Fathers Association Seattle

    Gay Married Men Washington DC GAMMA

     Other GAMMA affiliates

    Boston Gay and Bisexual Marred Men   My hometown!!  They have wonderful links

    NYC two groups at the GLBT Center - Gay/bi dads and NYC Married Men's Group - Located HERE

    Check out the LGBT Center near you - a directory of US and some others is HERE.  Note it's by no means all inclusive.  The one closest to me is not listed.

    And yes Buddy Bear and others who sprinkle "u"s randomly in words like honour and colour this is an awfully US-centric list except for the Muslim list.  However, I bet that these Gay Married men know where to put the favourite u into you.  Gay Married Men

    I'm sure there are tons of other sites out there.  I found it helpful to ALWAYS look for the links page (or resources page) even if a site I was on was only marginally helpful; I've found many a gem there.  Sort of like checking out other guys blogroll - not that you have to restrict yourself to checking out his blogroll!!
    Some days just suck (and not in a good way).  Work-wise in this case.

    Tuesday, July 5, 2011

    Problems of the closet

    So, we're invited as a friend of the family to go to a July 4th party. C, the kids and I go. It's at the house of the father of C's friend. She is the only one besides C to know I'm gay at least as far as I know.

    Now the father is a retired career navy guy - commander if I recall correctly (Lt Colonel equivalent). Anyway he's a sweet guy but a bit of a blowhard, racist, chauvinist and homophobe. We're eating dessert and I'm at another table when I overhear him say lesbian marine. Then it goes on for a bit and all agree at that table that they wouldn't want someone light in the loafers serving with them.

    I am in the closet to all of these people. They would be shocked if they knew - or so I like to think. Not everyone has been so shocked. But the trouble remains and I sit there in silence.

    The second problem of the closet concerns anniversaries.  What do you get for your 25th wedding anniversary? Yes, today, July 5th is C and my 25th wedding anniversary. 

    We got a note on Facebook congratulating us for "an exemplary marriage"  Really?  Well in some ways ok, but as C joked - should I give the person a call and let them know what is really going on.  She won't - the closet again.

    It seems we may go out to eat tomorrow night - for Indian.  We are hoping to get away at the end of July or in August.  But wtf - what do you get for each other when the husband is gay?  A romantic evening or getaway just seems to miss the point altogether. 

    But then it dawned on me.  His and her boyfriends!  That would fit the bill nicely.

    Tomorrow should be interesting.  Anniversary.  Back to work at a place I really don't want to be.  My job search is going poorly.  But again the joy is in the journey and I had some of that today.  Off to bed.

    Saturday, July 2, 2011

    Exercises in Futilility

    Exercises in futility - like pissing in the wind - is when something is done despite the fact that it is almost certainly bound to be a failure.  Pissing in the wind is an excellent example - the first (and one hopes only) time a boy does it he realizes that he doesn't want to make it a habit.  Just turn around and voila it works a lot better and drier. 

    Today I saw this sand castle - I helped build it.  Building a sand castle on a sand bar as the tide is coming in is an exercise in futility - it is bound to fail.  Sooner, rather than later, it will be swept up by the inevitability of the rising ocean.  All the moats and all the walls will be futile.  The sand will wash everything away quickly or even more quickly.  In the end it will be like there never was a castle.  There will be nothing to show for all the efforts made to make the castle.

    Not just to be morbid, but this is in a very real way relevant to life in general and dealing with being gay and married.  Failure is inevitable.  In the end we will die.  Dealing with being married and gay is bound to end in some sort of unhappiness - it is as they say a "less than ideal" situation even if it can be seemingly reconciled.  It is like building a sand castle below the high tide mark or pissing in the wind.

    Sort of a depressing thought.

    But I had a hell of a lot of fun helping the kiddos build the sand castle this morning.  Sure we knew that in the end the castle would be destroyed by the oncoming ocean.  In the end they helped it along because we had to leave - home from vacation already.  A good part of the joy was in the whole process.

    And so it dawned on me, yet again.  Enjoy the process.  Create joy and happiness just where I am now.  In the end there is something to be shown for all the effort.  There is the joy one finds, creates and shares on the journey. 

    So, the 6 hour ride with the first 45 minutes in traffic I should have been able to avoid is hellishly long.  Because of circumstances and the amount of crap we bring we take two different vehicles.  At the end I am happy as a lark.  Sure, I'm sore and creaky - proof that I am the last throes of 40-something.  But the ride was joyous.  Getting everything into the house was great.  Running out for Chinese was fun as I listened to music full blast.  Now we'll see how long I am able to keep that attitude.

    But the benefit of the blog already is that I can look back and see where I am repeating the same dysfunction and where I make progress.  I can see where I find joy even in an exercise of futility.  I can see where the effort is worth it.  Besides there are all sorts of wonderful sights if one has his eyes open on the journey.

    Friday, July 1, 2011

    Good things come to those who wait?

    Ok. So I didn't get to P-town in June. But I'm here on July 1.

    Town Hall

    Even the ships have Pride here.

    Commercial Street.

    So that's the good news. I'm sitting here waiting for lunch looking out at the water. Gay rather than straight is the assumption. Or the assumption is that if you're here you don't particularly care what the other person is. Unless you're interested in them.

    On that note it's been interesting checking guys out and, unless I'm wildly mistaken, being checked out.

    The less than good. So I'm here walking around finally relaxed and C calls. For good reason I should say. But she says where are you now. I say still in P-town. I get the "oh!". I didn't know that's where you were going.

    To be honest I don't know that I did say exactly where I was going. And then it comes, "You've shut me out."

    She's right and wrong there. I haven't shut here out, but rather continue to live two different lives - a gay one and a straight seeming one. They don't do a lot of talking to each other.

    That is, I don't shut C out. I shut down the gay part. That's why I've been anxious and/or depressed since Thursday. The gay part knew it was going to have a chance to get out and had to be restrained.

    That is no way to live.

    - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone