Blog-a-versary

I was reading a blog somewhere recently that mentioned that he had missed his blog's anniversary, it's blogaversary.  Well my 4th blogaversary was a little more than two months ago.  Now mind you my blog has been all over the map.  I missed all of 2010 and had one post in 2012.  Perhaps the problem is those even years!! 

But seeing the post made me think of the past 4 years so I thought I'd pull out the Lou Reed album Magic and Loss especially "What's Good."  I still think he was on to something - even in the midst of death, fear, uncertainty Life is Good.  It is not fair, not fear at all, but life is good. 

The past four plus years have been a time when I have spent a bit of time thinking about what is good and I haven't found a lot.  Trying to negotiate being gay and married has taken up, has hidden, has obscured much of my ability to see the good.  Sure I know my kids are good, that C is good.  I love them all.  But the chasm caused by trying to maintain the status quo had swallowed much of my ability to see that my participation or even presence in their lives was a good thing.  That scares me given the history of depression, dysfunction and addiction present in both C's and my families.  The good thing is that the kids haven't seen the active addiction in our lives.  But they have seen four years of depression on my part.  They have been affected by that. 

But they have also been affected by the work I do.  They have been affected by the choices we have made.  They have been affected by the beliefs we have and we live out.  They have been affected by our acceptance our our oldest who is out.  They have been affected by our rejection of consumerism. 

The positive effects of my being in their lives far outweigh the negative.

Can you tell I was raised Catholic with a litany like that.  Litanies are important; they remind us of what we hold to be true.  The are to be repeated and memorized.

Repetition. 

I paused in writing this post to reread rather quickly all the previous posts. 

Conclusions: 

1. I can laugh at almost anything - I laughed out loud at least twice.
2. I keep going around in this damn small circle .
3. I have decided to leave several times and have not followed through.
4. I have been tired of going around in the same small circle before.
5. I have spent the last several years not sleeping enough i.e., I avoid C.

Goals -

1. Make 2-3 decisions in the next few days that move me in the right direction, in the direction of being a single gay man.  
2. Next Gay Pride parade locally be able to be there for me.
3. Go to bed now :)