Monday, June 10, 2013

What a week

Wow.  I think or at least hope that I am coming out of the fog caused by the concussion I had about 10 days ago now.  It has taken a bit longer than I had hoped it would.  I'll continue to take it slowly in order to heal that much better.

On the downside, at least sort of, C has been wonderful in stepping up other than her blow out last week.  This makes me go back to the place of "Do I really want to give all this up?" 

The answer is however yes.  As I said to the therapist the other day, I know what happens; I've been on this road before.  Here are the stages I keep going through:

1.  I realize that the fact that I am gay is very important and cannot be acknowledged in my current situation.
2.  I realize I have to live as a gay man.
3.  I begin to feel better.
4.  Sanity returns; depression begins to lift.
5.  I realize that I do like my life overall.  There are a lot of good things in it including C.
6.  I try to keep things as they are. 
7.  This is successful for 6-9 months, sometimes a little longer.
8.  I become depressed - at times dangerously so.
Optional 9. I realize there is only one way out - suicide.  The longer that #7 lasts the more likely #9 is to occur.

I have cycled through these quickly and slowly.  This last round has been about  6 months.  I am now at #5. 

The difference is that I am resisting going to #6 and continue to lay the ground work that is necessary.  I feel like a schmuck since C has been so good for the past week - hell she's been amazing for the time we've been married.  But I cannot keep returning to #6-9.  The depression is overwhelming. 

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