Monday, June 10, 2013
What a week
On the downside, at least sort of, C has been wonderful in stepping up other than her blow out last week. This makes me go back to the place of "Do I really want to give all this up?"
The answer is however yes. As I said to the therapist the other day, I know what happens; I've been on this road before. Here are the stages I keep going through:
1. I realize that the fact that I am gay is very important and cannot be acknowledged in my current situation.
2. I realize I have to live as a gay man.
3. I begin to feel better.
4. Sanity returns; depression begins to lift.
5. I realize that I do like my life overall. There are a lot of good things in it including C.
6. I try to keep things as they are.
7. This is successful for 6-9 months, sometimes a little longer.
8. I become depressed - at times dangerously so.
Optional 9. I realize there is only one way out - suicide. The longer that #7 lasts the more likely #9 is to occur.
I have cycled through these quickly and slowly. This last round has been about 6 months. I am now at #5.
The difference is that I am resisting going to #6 and continue to lay the ground work that is necessary. I feel like a schmuck since C has been so good for the past week - hell she's been amazing for the time we've been married. But I cannot keep returning to #6-9. The depression is overwhelming.