Wednesday, May 13, 2009

13 May 2009

We'll see how long it lasts, but the intention is to write daily.

For the first time in a while I felt with it and actually productive at work. OK I'm taking a moment now, but have been able to stay focused otherwise - what a wonderful change.

So why - certainly it is not that I got enough sleep 6 hours is not enough. Got home from therapy at 11/11:30ish. Got on the computer to check email. Ended up IMing with a friend I have met who is on a listserv. He's got a crush on me - I am trying to back out without hurting anyone on this. That should be a delicate task. Today however, no email or IM from him - first time for that.

On that note that is about it - have to go home, make nice with my mum who is in town. Wife told mother that something was up - wife was being snappy. Said it was marital problems which really it is in part :) This morning wife and I were messing around fighting over a Nerf gun I wanted to use to shoot child #2. Wife cried out - mum was worried. I wonder - was there physical violence there at some point for that sort of reaction?? Not that I know of, but dear reader one cannot trust one's own memory - or at least mine.

Until tomorrow,


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And a week goes by

Time flies when you're having fun and when you're not.

Or is it: Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

That is the sort of subtle, but ever so profound shift I feel I am in the middle of.

Most of last week went well, quickly and well. Well that's not exactly true - most of the week was not dreadful would be more accurate. I joined and online group that consists of men who are or who are working towards being out to their wives. I had to write a bio for that which was helpful - no dear reader I will not share it here - there were identifying details ;).

I began there to develop a relationship with a guy that moved WAY to fast and far - thankfully he is quite a ways away from my abode. Saturday was a bit of a waste - tried to do school work unsuccessfully. Did I mention that I am in the last throes of a masters program dear reader.

Saturday night was not so good. In the evening I told her that we needed to talk. She assumed I had something of great import, i.e., that I had sex with another man. I told her that there was a guy on the list falling for me and that I was confused. That I wanted to be intimate with a man. That I was upset.

From there things went downhill. The wife took it well, but I did not. That old friend of self-loathing returned in spades. We were up to 12 or 1 at least. A very bad night.

Sunday, not much better. Church - I think, I don't really remember. The wife reports crying softly throughout church; I hardly noticed. She was crying for me. She took a nap and I spent about 3 hours in oblivion playing games on the internet. I did not think for hours!! It was wonderful. Now I know why I had been so attracted to such games for the past 15 years.

At any rate the rest of the evening was therapeutic for me. I got some work done on that paper that was due. When my wife got home from a meeting she was at we talked and talked again. Our resolution is to be in the moment. To be there for each other. To be there for the children. And to live life honorably. I think we both realize that the marriage will not work even in the short term - next 18 months or so, but that we may very well be together in some manner for years as a support for each other.

Monday was that class I have. Today I had to speak on the phone with the man who is falling for me and who for a while I was falling for. Professionally - he would like to do something similar to what I do professionally. It was good, it was uncomfortable. There is an expression in AA - keep it in your pants for the first year - it applies here as well in the sense of not leaping before looking, especially when one is emotionally vulnerable.

And if there are two words that sum up where I am feeling wise they would be emotionally vulnerable.

Today, right now I am in a good space.

Interesting side note - I think I wrote about Fr. Roy and his stating that in his experience as a gay man he doubted he could be with a woman because "his plumbing wouldn't work". My plumbing is being uncooperative ;) My wife notes that she felt there was something queer (pun fully intended) going on for awhile in bed, but she did not know what was. Now she knows what it is.

The puzzle pieces keep falling into place -and today that's ok.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

How many times can you listen to Comfortably Numb in an hour?

About 10.

I go to see the therapist I mentioned. On the way home I begin to grieve for that little boy of 10-12 that I was. It's raining, I'm driving and need to distract myself. Pink Floyd works :) Particularly appropriately since I am numb - a good night sleep might help!

I've been distracted at everything I've done for the past couple of weeks. Fortunately, nothing major has been messed up.

A step at a time at this point is key. My wife today said it's like our marriage has a disease and might die - I didn't appreciate the analogy, but she goes on that she doesn't mean that TGT is the disease, but that it is that the marriage might die so we have to enjoy each moment we have. Wow. Not sure where to take that. We chat a while longer, she goes to sleep, I come to the computer - so much for a good night sleep.


Friday, May 1, 2009

The circle gets wider

Coming out is interestingly difficult and easy. At work this morning we had our usual group meeting with a social worker to process some of the more difficult things we deal with. I had told her about a "friend" who is gay and might need/want to see someone. Turns out she has dealt with us before. After our meeting I walked her out and told her that I am the friend - difficult, but easy. Again acceptance - her response was a hug and a kiss.

At home things are wonderfully difficult. We are talking with each other and continue to be very careful and loving with each other. The kids are getting some of the flak from our stress. But the wife and I are doing well.

Not that everything is rosey. She did cry herself to sleep last night as I held her. Her dream or expectation that we would grow old together is at risk. She knows this. And she fears this. As do I.

Humor remains the key I think. It has kept both of us sane - yesterday I shared this video with the wife:

The tune just keeps going through my head :)