But first to recap. I had intended, but don't think I wrote about Fathers' Day. C and the kids bought me things for the new apartment - for my new apartment. Very thoughtful gifts as well.
The kids continue to appear to be doing well. Given the situation so does C. We are able to connect meaningfully. At least when I don't hold back in an attempt to not hurt her - which of course does.
At work and church the story or parts of it have spread. By this time tomorrow I should have filled the board of my organization - that I'm gay and that separation is imminent. It's always interesting how people interpret events when they don't have the full story. My more perverse side doesn't want to correct such "interpretations." But given that one person who is a friend of C's heard only that we were separating and seriously thought she was moving on because of my stroke is sufficient not to allow that perverse nature to prevail.
So today I put down a deposit on an apartment. It's about 3 miles from C and the kids. I was a mess before I went to give the landlord the deposit. But have felt peace since.
I still get stuck in the "I don't like how all this is working out; it's not fair!" Sure it's not. A lot in life isn't. And I've had my share of good things as well - starting with that stroke that by all rights should have been devastating. The birth of child #2 which should have been devastating and somehow was not.
But when I can get beyond such this is still the best option that I can see. And one that I am looking forward to. Gratitude matters a great deal and changes a lot of my outlook.
I get the keys on Saturday. Gas, electric, internet and tv are all set up to be connected on Saturday.
- Keep a clear head.
- Keep clear communication with C. We met 30 years ago and have depended on each other heavily for at least 29 years.
- Do things for me to get me into the community. There's an organization that works with LGBT youth in town. Perhaps volunteer there. This will get me knowing more than the guys I've met at meetings and will be an opportunity to give back.
- Breathe some more.
- Cry as needed; feel joy as needed.