Sunday, June 5, 2011

June 5th already! (What a difference a day makes)

Time flies.

All is tooling along rather smoothly.  The shrink changed my meds around so that I am lower on effexor with the hope that side effects will go away.  

Interesting.  I had to go into work early today.  And began writing the above when I got home.  I was going to reflect on the successful yard sale we had yesterday.  We made over $400!!  I don't even want to think what we spent to make that much, since our strategy was, for the most part, to sell on the cheap to get rid of as much as possible.  The rest is in the trash with rare exceptions.

But today was interesting.  C and I were at loggerheads all day.  In sitting here reflecting on why I can come up with a few possibilities.  One is that the meds are beginning to work so that I am not just a big lump any more.  I am present in and reacting to the environment and not as passive.  (Don't think this is it.)  We were just having a bad day.  Yesterday was stressful even if fun.  Today we had an appreciation dinner at church which I in particular was not looking forward to (the elder who made repeated plays for C when this all began was there).  This could be it.

The third possibility is the most relevant to the blog and the issues I'm trying to work out.  For the past week or so I've been thinking that it is possible to work this out.  Sure I'm gay, but am I going to find anything better out there?    Patience at Conflicting Clarity talks about this.  His blog post made me think whether I am passing on something good for the hope of getting something better?  C and I get along well.  We are best friends; there is no one who knows me as well as she does and vice versa.  Why would I risk that? 

So, then for me that means that there is no FWB out there (not that there is now).  C has made it clear that that is not acceptable for her.  It means no going to the gay/bi married men's group or gay dad's group.  Sure I fit into both and would continue to if C and I remain married, but I would feel like a fraud.  I would feel like an outsider.  I would fee inauthentic.  I would see a scene of two men kissing or holding hands and have a sense of what could have been, what should have been and what I desire/need.

I would in other words cut the gay part off, or isolate it, segregate it, lock it away.  It could be brought out on rare occasion.  We're going to the Cape this summer - I could go to P-town for the day alone and soak it in.  But is that like an alcoholic going to a bar or a person on a diet hanging out at a Ben and Jerry's.  If so then even taking the gay out on occasion would be destructive.  I would have to wall that part off away from view.  Away from myself.

I've tried that.  I have tried that so very diligently.  The result was always the same.  I am disconnected from everything.  I used to be able to do this more successfully - the first 19 years of marriage for instance.  I have poked my head out of the closet so many times that it has become habit.  Things calm down.  I feel okay.  I walk into the closet as if I want to be there.

For the past week or so I've been wondering if I can do that again.  Or more charitably if this is the best choice.  Separating scares me to death.  So does not separating.  I assumed this morning that I was choosing not to separate, choosing to stay together.  Everything bothered me today.

Two years ago the therapist said make a choice and see what the consequences are.  I think I am finally beginning to understand what she meant.

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