C is questioning.
Not as in LGBTQ where the q is for questioning. No such luck. That would make things a lot easier in at least some ways. And C's brother thought C and I were lesbian and gay when their mother outed me to the family.
No, the questioning was just that - questions. C got home last night with the kids. Their trip went well. I was alone, busy but alone, all weekend. I spent a bit of time watching gay movies. Not porn but gay themed movies. Streaming Netflix is a wonderful thing.
At about 11am yesterday C called me to chat. And asked the first question. "Do you want me to come home?" I said, "Of course, honey" and consoled her as she cried.
But then I thought about it. Yes I do want her to come home with the kids, but it was nice being home just by myself. It was nice not having to be in the straight world. I didn't run of to Chelsea, the Castro or South Beach. But I was able to watch a gay romance and enjoy it.
And C's question made me think. Yes, I want to be a single gay man. I don't want to abandon the kids. I don't think I'll run off to the nearest gayborhood - I may want to but the kids come first. But i want to live the life of a gay man. And I have trouble doing that when as a heterosexually married man. Some seem to be able to do it, but I but the gay away when living straight, I suppress unconsciously. I can take it out on occasion, but then I put it away. It's like living two lives.
Then we went for a walk today. C asked two questions. "Where do we go from here?" And "How would you see yourself living if we separated?" I avoided both. I'm not good talking about such things on the spur of the moment. Saying point blank, "I'd like to live as a gay man reasonably close to you all so I would be involved in the lives of the kids, but separate so I could just be gay." That seemed to be a bit much. I don't want to push away so hard and quickly at least yet.
Yes, I am hedging my bets making sure that I don't burn any bridges. But then again, I am not being authentic in my relationship with C. Not authentic to myself, to C or to us. WOW! I hadn't thought of it in those terms until I wrote it. Is this course of keeping things undercover and quiet, of allowing my gayness to be suppressed, of thinking I may be able to remain married inauthentic to all parties concerned?