Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Q is for questioning

C is questioning.

Not as in LGBTQ where the q is for questioning.  No such luck.  That would make things a lot easier in at least some ways.  And C's brother thought C and I were lesbian and gay when their mother outed me to the family.

No, the questioning was just that - questions.  C got home last night with the kids.  Their trip went well.  I was alone, busy but alone, all weekend.  I spent a bit of time watching gay movies.  Not porn but gay themed movies.  Streaming Netflix is a wonderful thing.

At about 11am yesterday C called me to chat.  And asked the first question.  "Do you want me to come home?"  I said, "Of course, honey" and consoled her as she cried. 

But then I thought about it.  Yes I do want her to come home with the kids, but it was nice being home just by myself.  It was nice not having to be in the straight world.  I didn't run of to Chelsea, the Castro or South Beach.  But I was able to watch a gay romance and enjoy it. 

And C's question made me think.  Yes, I want to be a single gay man.  I don't want to abandon the kids.  I don't think I'll run off to the nearest gayborhood - I may want to but the kids come first.  But i want to live the life of a gay man.  And I have trouble doing that when as a heterosexually married man.  Some seem to be able to do it, but I but the gay away when living straight, I suppress unconsciously.  I can take it out on occasion, but then I put it away.  It's like living two lives.

Then we went for a walk today.  C asked two questions.  "Where do we go from here?"  And "How would you see yourself living if we separated?"  I avoided both.  I'm not good talking about such things on the spur of the moment.  Saying point blank, "I'd like to live as a gay man reasonably close to you all so I would be involved in the lives of the kids, but separate so I could just be gay."  That seemed to be a bit much.  I don't want to push away so hard and quickly at least yet.

Yes, I am hedging my bets making sure that I don't burn any bridges.  But then again, I am not being authentic in my relationship with C.   Not authentic to myself, to C or to us.  WOW!  I hadn't thought of it in those terms until I wrote it.  Is this course of keeping things undercover and quiet, of allowing my gayness to be suppressed, of thinking I may be able to remain married inauthentic to all parties concerned? 

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