But there are two things that grate on me. One is that I think the therapist thinks I'm bisexual or more to the point seems to have an agenda. She can think anything she wants to think; she can have whatever opinion she thinks is justified. The problem comes when she tries to move me in a direction. I think that the therapist is of the opinion that I am bi not gay. The evidence is there: married reasonably happily for 19 years (plus 6 years of my struggling with being gay), no real issues in ability to perform, no adult sexual contact with another man. But the issue is that I feel she is trying to steer me to think this. Shit - she out and out said it once.
Today I got a - what to you think about when you fantasize. Mind you I am not quick on my feet in thinking about and worse in sharing fantasy, but I think of men. In particular, I think of a nice cock. Sorry to be crude, but truth be told that is where I go. I never remember fantasizing about women in any sense - most fantasizing when young was oddly disembodied. I've read somewhere that that is not uncommon for gay adolescents at least. I looked for pictures online and realized that all one has to do is look through the blog - the pictures sprinkled throughout of men are where I go. Or better yet go to Michael-in-Norfolk's Blog; his male beauties are wonderful.
More troubling still is the other agenda I think the therapist has. I think she has an agenda to keep us married. I've felt this before today, but it was marked in today's session. She noted something about happiness. In particular, that one ought usually not to leave one situation in which one is happy for one where one hopes/thinks one might be happier. On principle I agreed - the old "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush." I tend to be a bit risk adverse so this appeals to me. Then the kicker - "You seem reasonably happy in your relationship with C," she adds; there is about one-tenth of a question mark after that statement. She does not ask whether I am or better yet how I would characterize the relationship.
My issue is not the truth of the statements, but that they seem directional. They seem to be moving me toward saying I am a bisexual happily married to a woman. And that this ought to continue noting that an open marriage is out of the question - I think the therapist has an agenda there too!!
So, given that all readers have is my characterization - Am I way off here? Does this sound suspicious? Or that she has an agenda? I realize that I am more than capable of over thinking even simple things. Indeed, that is a lot of the reason I am spinning my wheels about what I want to be when I grow up.