But there are two things that grate on me. One is that I think the therapist thinks I'm bisexual or more to the point seems to have an agenda. She can think anything she wants to think; she can have whatever opinion she thinks is justified. The problem comes when she tries to move me in a direction. I think that the therapist is of the opinion that I am bi not gay. The evidence is there: married reasonably happily for 19 years (plus 6 years of my struggling with being gay), no real issues in ability to perform, no adult sexual contact with another man. But the issue is that I feel she is trying to steer me to think this. Shit - she out and out said it once.
Today I got a - what to you think about when you fantasize. Mind you I am not quick on my feet in thinking about and worse in sharing fantasy, but I think of men. In particular, I think of a nice cock. Sorry to be crude, but truth be told that is where I go. I never remember fantasizing about women in any sense - most fantasizing when young was oddly disembodied. I've read somewhere that that is not uncommon for gay adolescents at least. I looked for pictures online and realized that all one has to do is look through the blog - the pictures sprinkled throughout of men are where I go. Or better yet go to Michael-in-Norfolk's Blog; his male beauties are wonderful.
More troubling still is the other agenda I think the therapist has. I think she has an agenda to keep us married. I've felt this before today, but it was marked in today's session. She noted something about happiness. In particular, that one ought usually not to leave one situation in which one is happy for one where one hopes/thinks one might be happier. On principle I agreed - the old "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush." I tend to be a bit risk adverse so this appeals to me. Then the kicker - "You seem reasonably happy in your relationship with C," she adds; there is about one-tenth of a question mark after that statement. She does not ask whether I am or better yet how I would characterize the relationship.
My issue is not the truth of the statements, but that they seem directional. They seem to be moving me toward saying I am a bisexual happily married to a woman. And that this ought to continue noting that an open marriage is out of the question - I think the therapist has an agenda there too!!
So, given that all readers have is my characterization - Am I way off here? Does this sound suspicious? Or that she has an agenda? I realize that I am more than capable of over thinking even simple things. Indeed, that is a lot of the reason I am spinning my wheels about what I want to be when I grow up.
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I know a therapist who is a neighbour, and she has the most messed-up family life of anyone I know. An older man therapist one year ago suggested I ignore my sexual attraction to men because as I moved from my 40s into old age, my sex drive will gradually diminish and be less important. He also told me to stay in the closet. I didn't find that advice helpful and didn't go back.
ReplyDeleteSurely, you can find a gay or gay-knowledgeable therapist in the city who would be more helpful to you.
I found your blog via Buddy Bear, One Step at a Time. I too, was married, almost 35 years; 4 adult children. I would be a bit suspicious about the therapist too. When I was about to come out, I sought out a therapist who was a gay man and dealt with coming out and gay issues. I'm glad I did. Hang in there and know that it is much better on the other side!
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to therapy a few years back, I purposely chose a gay therapist... I wasn't having issues with my sexuality, more than the rejection I was about to experience by coming out...
ReplyDeleteGreat post, adding you to my blogroll...
Tom
Guys thanks for the insight. The one therapist I know non-professionally is someone I would choose not to be around if at all possible - his kids, my cousins, feel the same way. I've been thinking it's time to move on for a while - she was great in the beginning, but that doesn't mean she is now.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest a Gay Male therapist. Yes that could be construed to sound sexist.
ReplyDeleteHowever a male is far more likely to understand your drives, and less likely to have an agenda regarding your marriage. You might also feel more comfortable opening up about certain things.
Note I said less likely. Therapists are human and it's just as possible for them to project their baggage on you as anyone else. Especially if your situation resonates with them.
Perhaps your current therapist is dealing with issues of her own and unintentionally is allowing those issues to bleed into your sessions.
In any case if you are uncomfortable with the therapist and the direction your sessions are moving, then I'd suggest you are going to be less than forthcoming about your true feelings and that is not productive for you.
The sessions are about you getting your feelings in order not necessarily your therapists opinions.
Of course... that's just my opinion and everyone has one of those...
Hang tough man...