Long Day

So it's been a long day.  I was in by 8am this morning for a meeting.  This was better than the 6am yesterday.   Then I have a late meeting that let out a little after 8pm. 

The nonprofit world is such great place - long hours, low pay, few benefits. 

Seriously, it usually is a wonderful place.  The people I work with are fantastic.  I love what I do most of the time.  My organization makes a difference in a very real and profound way.

Two downsides.  One is that I cannot be out where
I am.  Well I could be, but I would not be comfortable.  It's amazing the homophobic comments and attitudes one hears when one is out to oneself.  One of my best workers made one the other day - nothing too vicious, but enough to give me pause.  More importantly, some of the super-structure over me is virulently anti-gay.  I don't have usual direct contact with them and when I do it's with the better parts of this behemoth, but the attitude has a chilling effect.

The second downside was the meeting tonight.  I have in the past year developed a deep dislike for the person who runs this particular meeting.   I have found her to have a lack of follow through with what she says she'll do.  It seems that she is trying to concentrate power in her hands in an inappropriate manner.  There is not a lot I can do.  Fortunately her term expires soon and she cannot be re-elected.  Or so I hope!!

So, what does that have to do with the gay thing.  I assume most care about that.  There is a connection ;-)

I'm looking for work!!  No, I'm not asking readers for a job, although reasonable offers won't be refused!!

All is on hold until I find better work.  The criteria are simple:  it has to pay quite a bit better than what I have now, it must be doing something that makes a positive difference and it must be in a place where I feel comfortable being gay.  Then the question is where do I go.  I've sent resumes to NYC,  Boston, Atlanta, San Francisco, London, Detroit, Washington, DC, and cities.  I would prefer a geographic area that isn't too rabid. 

But C has said that she will not go far from where we are unless it is closer to her family.  This makes sense given the tenuous nature of our relationship.  Recently, she has said she might be willing to move with me. 

But here's the rub.  My intent is to move on to a better paying job so that I can tell her where I think we need to head.  Towards divorce.  The new job isn't only or even most of the time primarily because of the downsides I talked about above.  It is rather so that I can more easily provide for the kids through child support, help C get back into a career, and live as a gay man.

So a good part of the frustration is that we are in the midst of a severe economic crisis and I'm looking for a job that pays better than mine in a field that is severely affected by the coming budget crises at the state and federal levels. 

Another part of the frustration is that I am knowingly living a lie.  That is something I cannot do well.  It will take its toll quickly.  The lie is not only that I'm married to a woman which grates against my being gay, but more that I do not think that the marriage can work.  And for now I'm not saying that.