Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Buddy Bear wrote a wonderful blog entry on guilt a week or so ago - I don't know how to link to it but peruse for it; it's worth reading. It's been on my mind because I am riddles with it right now.

We're on vacation. A lit of what is going through my head is that I'm going to fuck it all up. The kids, the wife, the life. My kids are amazing and that's not just the proud father. Sure they bicker and argue on occasion. But they get along amazingly well with each other.

Then the guilt or second guessing comes in. If I (selfishly) act on being gay/ move out/change how things are will this negatively impact the kids. Of course it will. But will having a dad who is disconnected be any better?

And that is what I am now. This morning C drops a "I need more. I know you're not attracted to me sexually (true), but I need to think someone cares.". I do care, but I can't seem to be able to give her what she wants. Then I get cranky and disconnected. I can feel the depression moving in like the high tide - slowly and inexorably.

But now a couple of hours later it hasn't. Being in the moment and enjoying where I am helps. The meds do too I'm sure. The tension is still there. Do I stay or do I go - the song is going through the head. But right now I'm where I am waiting while the oldest tries on a dress.

Tomorrow P-town if it is going to happen. Did many of the things on the to do list. Still need to do the meditation to begin to center again. I haven't read any if the books I brought!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Your wife is most likely right as to what she needs. I think it is a positive thing that she thought it through and was brave / determined enough to tell you. (My wife said the same thing to me.

    My kids discovered almost immediately that splitting up one unhappy household, fraught with tension, was a very good thing. They are much happier in two separate households with happier parents.

  2. .... to add. It is not the divorce that is damaging to children, it is the behaviour of the parents afterwards which is the most important factor.

    Hope you go to P-town tomorrow! Just make it happen!!

  3. Just stumbled onto your blog. I am married, but not out at all, feeling conflicted along the way. Just started blogging about it last month. It helps to put it down on "paper".
    Go to P-town...a great place. Been there once...would go back again in a heartbeat!

  4. P-town will be good - might give you a new perspective!

  5. Great post. Just started following you! Good luck and know your not alone.