Saturday, June 11, 2011

You can't always get what you want!

True enough.  You can't always get what you want.

So I've spent that past day or so a little pissed.  I'm searching for work for a lot of reasons.  I had a couple of real prospects a couple of weeks ago that fell through.  With one the consultant loved me, but I didn't get an interview.  Such is life.

With the second I got called in for a second interview and spent a good part of a day with them.  All seemed to go well.  A couple of the board members went out of their way to chat with me.  All seemed good.  But I got the standard communication, email in this case, saying they wouldn't "be pursuing your candidacy."  Ok.  Disappointment.  But again such is life.

Then Friday I'm looking online for any new prospects.  I have about 4-5 resumes out there that are likely still active.  And I find the second position advertised.  In more than one place.  I'm pissed and hurt.

Funny thing though.  When I first got the email saying I was no longer being considered I was sort of relieved.  There were a couple of things about how they were organized and who sat on their board that were deeply troubling.  I would have had to seriously look at them.  One issue in fact was pretty severe and almost made me not apply in the first place.  Also in my tour of the facilities I was seriously underwhelmed with the way they were providing services.  It was my pride that was hurt more than anything else.  (Okay I admit it - I Googled "pride" thinking I'd get a nice picture of being prideful and of course in June I get pictures of Pride like the one above.  How could I pass up a picture like that?).  In the end,  thought when I first got the email and think now that it is likely a good thing that this opportunity walked by. 

So, this has also made me think about C and our relationship.  I got an email from a reader who asked if I had considered that C might be better off with a hetero than with me.  WHAT!!  than me??  Who could be better than me.  Pride again.  Sure C could do a lot worse than me, but really that is faint praise.  Sure we have gotten used to each other, but if that's the best reason for staying together . . .

But as C has said - I am not lusting after her.  Love is great, but a little lust goes a long way too.  And that I do not have for her.  Over the course of the past 10-15 years it has taken more work to have sex.  For the past 6 years its taken a lot more work and imagination.  And for the past couple since I came out to her it has been close to a burden and not infrequently impossible.

The attention of my lust is elsewhere - see photo above or better yet the one from Wednesday :-)

And that is selling her short as well as selling me short.  Over time my worry is that this will continue to be a growing wedge between us that we each start to resent.  And that is a road I don't want to go down.

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