Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Walk

C and I did indeed take a walk before dinner yesterday.  We must have walked for close to two hours.  Two years ago we did a lot of walking and talking.  Mostly we talked about the revelation that I am gay and what that meant to us individually, as a couple and as a family.  We would also talk about how we would make it work; what it would look like to live together with this new information.  And we talked about our fears and insecurities.

Yesterday we talked about much the same with one twist.  We talked about how we could do this, do this separation, in the best possible way.  We came up with no concrete answers.  I am not sure of my job situation - I am up for two better (in terms of pay) ones.  Concrete arrangements have to wait to see what, if anything, develops there.  But we were concrete in our wanting to do this in the best possible fashion. 

Two points of conversation stood out.  The sticking point is that C wants a commitment from me that I will be around, stay around until the kids are out of the house.  That's about 9 years at this point since the youngest is 9.  I cannot commit to that at this point - I have to think about it.

The second point was the C mentioned moving closer to her parents in the hope that they will support her.  While they are dysfunctional (who isn't), they would do the best they could.  That excited me in a way that showed me that I could not commit to staying.  I could then move to a gayborhood between where we are now and where her parents are and be regularly present to the kids.  C then added would you be willing to move nearer my parents.  We'll talk about that at some future point, but the answer is almost certainly no.

That all confirmed a couple of things for me. 
  1. This is a VERY hard road, but it is the right one.  There will be a lot of pain along for all parties. 
  2. I want to live as a gay man as much as I am able given the responsibilities I have.  
  3. The most healthful, most authentic path is not the easiest one at least in the short term.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds good that you are talking about it. It seems reasonable that you should be around for your kids. Now what "around" means is open to interpretation, but it should not preclude you from living openly.

    Good Luck.