Tuesday, May 3, 2011

O What a tangled web we weave!

I think this post is remarkable in three ways.  It is, first of all, the second post in a single day.  It also makes more than half of the posts done in this year.  Perhaps then it marks a real determination not to closet myself any longer.

But, thirdly and most importantly, it marks a change.  I have a date tonight.  No, not a date with some hot guy, but a date with my wife.  I just got off the phone with her and she was in tears.  She is feeling an overwhelming sadness.  Her marriage of almost 25 years is for all intents and purposes ending.  Even if we stay legally married for some financial reason we will not be married in our hearts or spirits.  And that is hard. 

How do you help the best friend you have, have ever had, to get over the ending of her marriage.  That is excruciatingly difficult.  But then add that the marriage is to you and you have said it has to end because you're gay.  It's not right - it's like a parent at the funeral of a child - it is not the right order of things.

But it is.  And indeed it is a tangled web.  But here it is not because I am deceiving.  That would only have made it worse.  Here the web is tangled because I have to help my best friend deal with the dissolution of her marriage to me.

So before dinner we will go for a walk around the neighborhood.  Two years ago we took a lot of walks.  As I walled off and isolated the walks ended.  Today I am not walled off in that way.  I will go for the walk and continue to feel great sadness for and with my friend.  I will feel sadness for myself too. 

But I will also walk in knowing that this is the route to authenticity and wholeness.  This is the route that will give meaning to "the truth will set you free".  This is a hard but necessary road.  And this is the change.  I have been running from this pain for years now.  It is an intense, personal pain.  But today I will go for a walk where I encounter, face and try to hold that pain.  There is no way through this except for walking through this.  It sucks, but the alternatives are worse - I will, I can no longer suppress who and what I am healthfully.

So it is.

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