Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The first is that there are a whole lot of other guys out there who are coming out in there 40's after 20+ years of marriage. A group of bi/gay married guys I went to once had about 3-4 of the 10 guys there who came out to there wives after 23 years of marriage. Go figure! In that sense I no longer feel alone or unique. That is a good thing.
The second is that there does not seem to be a way to find peace while remaining monogamous. I have bumped into a few online who say they are, but some are only during a transition period and others really are not monogamous. I think it can be done, but I am not sure at what price. And I am pretty sure that I cannot. I have spent so long suppressing and repressing that I could just fall back into that and become detached and depressed. I do not want that any longer.
So, C and I went to the therapist last night. She, the therapist, asked what our agenda for the evening was. We began talking about looking forward. Particularly, did I have an agenda or timeline. What did I see going forward vis a vis living arrangements. Oddly enough I did not have one - I have not spent a lot of time on realistic ones. Sure running off might be something to daydream about, but not the hard work. So it's time to begin thinking about that.
It looks like we are moving to some sort of separate, but equal arrangement - let's hope it works better than it did in other areas. We would share common space and have either separate bedrooms or a mother-in-law sort of apartment. It should be interesting to see how it develops.
We then spent a good bit of time talking about C and school and work. Both the therapist and I are pushing for school - now is the time to do it. But that one is out of my hands.
Things are amazingly amicable. Not that I expected histrionics. On the way home last night C turned to me and said that part of her wanted to punish me - kick my ass out and show me what life would be like without her. My response was simply that part of me wants to be punished too. But that the better parts of ourselves are doing this better.
And so it is.