Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Feel like I'm waist deep in quicksand and sinking ever so slowly. 

Couples therapy was last night.  I walked out toward the end.  Things were hitting close to home on several occasions.  Particularly talking about childhood crap (came up because mom is still in town).  Yes, I had a sort of crappy childhood, but it could have been a whole lot worse.  Yes, I isolated at the age of 12 or so - my take is that that is when I realized I'm gay and hide it and everything else away.  Sure my father was an alcoholic and that didn't help a damn thing. 

But hearing C repeatedly say that I was doing no work was just too much.  All I'm doing is abandoning her, the kids and our vows.  Like this is on a whim.  Like I realized yesterday that I'm gay and poof decide to leave today.  Like I haven't spent the past 6 years trying to deal with this, the last two years with her.  That was too much to hear and I had to choose exploding or running - I ran.  The ride home was horrific.  I was not feeling particularly safe.

Then I come to work today to read an email that says a significant source of revenue is likely to be unavailable.  This means we are in a full blown cash flow crisis. 

It's not going to be a good day.

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