Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Road Less Traveled?

No great reason to write now other than it's a rainy day, I have a break at work before an early evening meeting, and I haven't written in a day.

Life has been extremely busy of late.  This week we have yet to have everyone home in the evening.  A lot of that is me.  I was out Sunday night (with two of the kids), Tuesday night (work), Wednesday night (work), Thursday night (work) and Friday night (gay time - yeah!!)  And Saturday we will all be home.

Home has been interesting of late.  C has become almost needy.  Not that she is putting pressure on me or leaning on me too much.  But she is letting out some of the pain that she feels to her best friend (me). 

It's becoming an interesting waltz - us supporting each other.

It has begun to make me think and ponder whether a mixed orientation marriage is a viable alternative for us.
In deciding to separate I had three alternatives in mind.
  1. Separate - each of us go our separate ways albeit connected out of our care for each other and the children.
  2. Stay together monogamously.
  3. Some sort of open marriage.
#2 seemed like it would be an impossibly difficult burden.  It would in some senses be living a lie and not be an authentic choice.  Yes, yes I know that this is sacrificing C for the sake of authenticity.  But for the past several years I have acknowledged that I am gay I have tried #2.  And I have put on 50 pounds (coming off nicely thank you), had heart issues, been suicidally depressed, and generally disconnected from life and joyless.

#2 is not working.  Now I could try to be out but not sexually active, but for some reason, in my head, that would be like lying.  I also know myself enough to know I would in no way be "out" then.  I am not one to wear anything personal on my sleeve.  And being out is important to me.

#3 I discarded.  C is not ok with this.  I was not sure I was either.

Therefore I was left with #1 - to separate.

My rethinking is about broaching the possibility of some sort of open marriage.  It's an awful solution, but then so too are any of the other alternatives.  An open marriage might be able to preserve our relationship in some fashion that is better than separating for each of us and give me what I need sexually and socially.  I have met some who make it work; it's not easy.

But no one said the road would be easy.  And add gay to the mixture . . .

Robert Frost's poem comes to mind:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Perhaps it is not which road that is taken, but walking that road with dignity and respect and to the best of my ability treating my walking companions the same. 

I am not sure which road I am going down, but I will do my best to walk tall and walk well.

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