I spent some of the weekend feeling trapped. It's been a while since I've felt it that strongly. By trapped I don't mean the sort lost in a maze in the picture directly below. Here one might be trapped, but there is plenty of space in which to move around. There might even be alternative paths to explore ; there might even be hope of a way out down one of those paths.
Most days this is how I feel - trapped in a maze out of which I have to find a safe path. Most of the time I believe there is such a safe path, that I have found it and that I have begun to walk it - gingerly at times, but still walking.
But over the weekend I felt a different kind of trapped - the sort of trapped I felt when I first came out to myself and C. I felt a suffocating hopelessness. Perhaps this was related to our recent anniversary, perhaps not.
This sort of helplessness is pictured below. In it there is no person who can be identified. The person has lost his or her identity. Indeed, one can't tell if the person is male or female. There is no hope here. There is no way out. One is trapped like an animal.
Fortunately, the moment was fleeting. I am not trapped like an animal. There is a solution to the maze. I am working on the solution.
But it was interesting to reflect how a few years ago I felt trapped in that second, more oppressive, manner most of the time. More importantly, I need to remember that this second sort of trapped can return at a moments notice. It begins to recur when I put myself back in the closet and close the door pretending that being gay doesn't exist or I can just white knuckle it - hang on, know I'm gay, but not act on it. Perhaps there are others who can successfully use these tactics, although I doubt it can work for anyone in the long run. When I remember this I am better able to stay the course. Even when the path I am on seems difficult, it is obvious that it is better than the alternative.
1. Still have to reconnect.
2. Still have to communicate more with C
3. Keep remembering that the closet is for clothes, not for people
4. Come out to another person this week