Saturday, July 6, 2013

Wedding Anniversary

My 27th wedding anniversary just passed. I should say our wedding anniversary just passed. 

No, the picture is not of the cake we had.

C pointed out that for the past few years we haven't done anything, even exchanging cards.  Yes, that included the 25th anniversary.  But this year I went out and got a couple of presents - a pair of earrings and a piece of artwork for her work.   Fortunately, one of the kiddos dropped a "I know what daddy got for your anniversary" so she wasn't flat footed.  I've been thinking all day about the whys and if I sending mixed messages.

First the why.  Mainly I think the why this year is that I feel good and feel good about our future.  Not our future together, but our future.  That is a shift.  I also value C and our relationship.  She knows me better than anyone else.  And despite my occasional whining she has been there for me over the years and through coming out.  We have grown up together and helped each other through some tough times. 

Am I sending mixed messages?  Undoubtedly.  Part of the reason is that I am ambivalent about separating.  I still do not think it is a good idea.  It is, however, the best idea.  Really, it is the only idea that seems to have promise of working in the long run.  Part of it is that I do truly value C as I noted above.  And part of it is that I still just haven't told her my intentions.  Nor is this the time to do that. 

I suppose the next thing to do in therapy, God help me, is to explore just that.  Between the therapist taking next week off and C going to visit family for 10 days it will be a bit before I am able to let C know what is going on in my head. 

So, added to the list from last time is:

4.  Talk to therapist about when is a good time to let C know that the marriage is over.  (Note, it took several corrections to remove all words of hesitancy like "let C know I think that marriage is over.) 

I don't think I can make it to 28.  That fills me with sadness and dread (mostly at telling her) as well as hope and even some joy.

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