Saturday, July 13, 2013

Efficacious Rambles

I love the word "efficacy" and its adjective "efficacious."  No particular reason - I just like the sound.  Well perhaps I'm a bit of a snob in that I can can use them in a sentence.  Like "Anti-depressants are efficacious because they have an effect that affects my affect.  

For the past few days at work I did not demonstrate efficacy.  I have hardly done anything work wise.  But my affect was good.

Yet, the days were far from a total loss.  On Thursday, I spent 2 hours at lunch with our assistant pastor and came out to her.  The congregation is thinking of coming out publicly in support of full membership for LGBT folks.  In practice, it has done this for years; it currently has out and partnered LGBT people in leadership positions.

It's interesting that when I googled for images of efficacy or efficacious I got many religious symbols - Jesus, people praying over people, the Buddha.  Some of my discussion was about the efficacy or rather inefficacy of prayer.

But I digress.  I think that part of the reason that I haven't gotten a lot done recently is that I am spending a lot of mental energy on coming out.  First it was whether and if so how I should come out to the assistant pastor.  Then it was reflecting on that.  C and the kids are away - so I spent a good bit of Friday thinking about going to a gay AA meeting.  It is continually amazing to me how much time and energy I spend on this.  And then I remember how much energy I must have spent all those years of being a total closet case - as opposed to the partial closet case I am now.

The difference now versus past times is marked however.  Instead of agonizing about it and then not taking action I followed through.  The results were typical - the pastor was supportive, I felt more real after the conversation, more genuine.  Dare I say more authentic.  The meeting was good.  I knew a handful of folks from the "mostly gay" meeting I regularly go to.  This too was a coming out for those who didn't know I was gay.  The result - a warm welcome.

This business of coming out is hard work.  It seems insurmountable at times.  But then I remember and reflect on the alternative.  It really does get better.  It really is so much better.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations on your current positive state of mind! It really will get easier and easier as you go along.

    I well recall how exhausted and emotionally drained I was all the time during my coming-out and divorce drama. It is such a monumental change of life ... and a double whammy at that. It's a miracle that we are still able to fulfil our job and family responsibilities as well.

    Coming out is a never-ending process for gay guys since our gayness is not usually visible as (for example)it is with minorities with a non-white skin colour.

    As I came more and more out, my expectation was not just that people would "accept" or "tolerate" me, but that my coming out as gay should be celebrated. I was so happy about it and everyone around me responded in kind.