Wednesday, July 3, 2013

100th Blog entry

This is my hundredth blog entry.  The blogosphere is a wonderful place.  Thanks to the poster who put this on her blog a couple of years ago.  Perfect for the 4th of July.  (Happy belated Canada Day to  Buddy Bear and other gorgeous men to the north. )  I started blogging in April 2009 - about 50 months ago.  So on average pretty pathetic - 2 posts a month.  Of course that includes 2010 when I didn't post at all and 2012 when I posted once.  Those odd years will get you every time.

Buddy Bear has me a somewhat concerned about the long term viability of using Blogger.  See his post on backing up on WordPress. We'll see how that all develops - especially if folks start disappearing from blogger. 

I am in a reflective sort of mood recently.  As I reflect over the last 99 posts I realize what a contribution the blogs have made to me on my journey.  It has been an opportunity to pause and reflect.  Writing something down, especially when others can see it, causes me to pause and reflect on what I am saying and meaning.  Blogging has caused me to be more reflective and intentional.  At times to get feedback from men who have walked the same path.  Most importantly, blogging helps me remember - remember the insanity (and ineffectiveness of suppression), remember the pain and the fear and the "overwhelmedness."  I can forget pain so very easily.  Looking back helps me remember where I've been and why I don't want to return there.

But walking through that pain is the only thing that has worked.  A few months ago when I restarted therapy the therapist had me take a depression test - I scored about a 37 if I recall correctly.  I think I downplayed at least a few responses - my real score might have been higher.   She was immediately concerned.  She would check in each week to see how I was doing self-harm and suicide wise.  She'd contract with me to make sure I'd be okay until the next week.  She began to talk of meds.

I took the test the other day.  I scored an 8.  I am normal.  Well, almost :).

The only thing I can attribute this change to is walking through.  Walking through the fear, anguish, and pain.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but the pain and anguish are real.  My experience is that the longer it festers, the more intense it gets - think of aged cheese.  But it truly is a festering, a creation of pain that does not have to be as intense as it is.  That is, some of the pain has been caused by my reluctance to face it.  However the speed at which I have moved is both something over which I now have no control and has been good/healthy in the long run.

6 years ago and then 4 years ago when I came out to C I wondered if I should leave simply because I thought I would leave anyway in the end.  At this point I respect the process.  I didn't bail; I didn't run away and hide.  I tried and proved to myself and, I think, C that this is a lot more difficult than I thought.  Buddy Bear thanks for the encouragement in my last post.  I still will push back and say that the situation is not fair.  So what?  I was never guaranteed that life would be fair.  In fact, in so very many ways it is not.  Fighting that is like fighting a rip current or where I grew up a riptide. As one is moving quickly out to sea, the temptation is to try to swim directly to shore.  After all the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  The results of the seemingly rational choice is exhaustion and death.  Rather the truly rational choice is counter-intuitive; one swims just a little to the side.  And thus escapes. 

Life is not fair.  Being married and gay is not fair.  Okay - but what do I do about that.  Today I choose to swim to the side and stop trying to do the impossible.  I choose to make a path that is as best as it can be for those I love, but cannot and will not choose one that leads to my destruction.

Goals for the next couple of weeks (therapist is on vacation):
1.  Coast - Stay Calm and Carry On.
2.  Keep some communication going with C.
3.  Reconnect with a friend locally and have some fun while C and the kiddos are visiting family.

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