And as only anxiety can it started to cycle. As the minutes passed it got worse. I was able to suck it up and get a few things done at work. I'm continually amazed that I am able to get anything done when this happens.
On my way to therapy around noon the
grew worse. I gave the one fingered salute to at least 3-4 drivers - all justifiably of course!! But one does not do that in this neck of the woods.
I was barely able to get up to her office.
I've not seen my therapist for a couple weeks, and I'm still recovering from a concussion. And C has been back east with the kids since last week. So anxiety is understandable.
The source - the only antecedent I was able to figure out was therapy or, rather, the fear of going. Just in the two weeks I was able to put away, to pretend, to not talk to a person. Sure I've done a half dozen blog post since the last therapy session, but therapy is the only place where I am able to look another person in the eyes and say, "It sucks, but I have to leave my marriage for my own sanity." Sure you all know that, but I can't know you're paying attention; I can't know you're listening; I can't look you in the eyes and see that you don't see something, someone horrific. One of the revelations of therapy today or, perhaps, a re-revelation is that I have a butt load of internalized homophobia. I don't fear/hate/despise that anyone else is not straight, but I sure hate/despise/fear that I am. It's gotten better over the last few years, but it does rear it's ugly head when I realize I am leaving C.
But saying in therapy is a good thing. Well not really, but is is helpful and necessary. For the first time in a long time I cried in therapy. I've come very close many times recently, but was able to show it more today.
I am back on track as a result.
Of course, it was exhausting. I left therapy and went to the men's room and cried. I went out to eat for lunch and read How to be Gay by David Halperin. I'm not that far into the book, but like what I see so far. I realized on the way home from work a few minutes ago the message I've gotten out of the book - fuck them all. I am who I am. I am the sort of gay man I am. All you all can shove your expectations that I'm straight, that I should not like twinks, that I shouldn't like other bears, that what the fuck ever. Ah that felt good. Now no one is really putting much of that on me other than myself, but it still feels as if it is coming externally.
- I'm gay. That's a good thing, albeit inconvenient since I'm married to a woman.
- That I will live with integrity in a manner that makes sense to me and mine (and fuck your expectations).
- That I have to move in the next few weeks to coming out to the kids. They will continue to love me even though I fear they won't.
- That I have to then move to talking with C. That this is necessary. That it sucks and breaks my heart. But I cannot return to the place where the anxiety and depression and suicidality return like they began to earlier.
- That I need to continue to make gay contacts and that meetings seem to be a good place to do that right now.
- And most importantly I realize as I reread the post before publishing it - find another person I can look in the eye and say I have to leave my marriage and that hurts like hell.