August has been a month. It has been on of the busiest at work in ways that are utterly beyond my control. I haven't had the time to read other blogs much let alone post here. But the work is over and is done reasonably well.
On the personal side things are sort of plugging along. No real tension. C notices that I am "doing
better." And I am. The depression is substantially gone. Attitude about life and myself is better. There is hope for the future, but at the same time new fears are cropping up.
They are I think related to the couples therapy.
I had an appointment set up for mid-September. I was working up the gumption to chat with C about it. I avoid talking with her about us in large part because I know where we're heading or at least I think we do. Even here it's almost too much to say separation or divorce. Before I did tell her I got a text from the therapist (not the best means of communication in my opinion) asking that we move the appointment up. I don't answer. The next day she calls and I honestly say I haven't said anything largely because I am avoiding it.
Yesterday I got all the ducks in a row. I told C about the appointment. I got coverage at work since the appointment is at 5pm.
The appointment is next week.
I spent a bit of the morning worrying about the kids' reactions. In particular, if they would have anything to do with me. No, it's not a fear that is likely to come to pass. And if it does there is not a lot I can do about it except being the best father I can.
That is some of the rub - this sort of thing kicks up old stuff. I remember the day my parents sat us down to say they were divorcing. I placed 100% of the blame on my father. A good part was indeed on him as an active alcoholic who was never home and was not a good provider. I don't think he ever paid much if any of his child support. But I digress.
My reaction was to walk out of the house. I'd walked maybe 3/4 of a mile when my father caught up. My response when he tried to talk to me was a quick, "Fuck you." I'm sure he went off to get drunk. I went off to get high. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
That is my fear with my kids - that their response will be rejection. And it may be. And it will likely be hurt and pain. But I will continue to show up as I have. And that is the difference that makes a difference. It is what I did not experience.
And I remember the alternative - it has almost become a mantra. For the past 6 years to the extent I have tried to suppress, repress, sublimate, divert . . . being a gay man and living in honesty as a gay man I become depressed and suicidal. It's then that I won't show up for the kids.