Depression sucks. It robs a lot of life, makes every decision, every interaction that much more difficult. It's like clamming - walking through the water at low tide through the mud that sucks at your feet trying to steal
So, recently in the Neverending Story of my angst over what to do, what to be, how to integrate being gay and married I mention in therapy that there is at least a part of me that wants to be able to just integrate the fact that I'm gay and leave it there. Then the bomb, the realization again. The response I hear reflected back is "but you're depressed."
Again, realizing that just integrating the knowledge, even though I have done it to a large extent, is not sufficient. If all I do is integrate the knowledge I inevitably return to deep depression.
Later in the week I had someone give me advice I do not like - I should write about it. Write down what I believe to be true and what I think I know about my relationship with C and what I think I need or want.
So I've been avoiding that for most of the week. I am afraid of what I will find out - both afraid that it will be clear that I should stay and afraid that I should not!! Self-centered fear is indeed at the root of a lot of the issue - realizing this makes me realize that I really need to do that writing. I'll do that in a moment, but first today.
So work is blowing up - nothing to do with this or me, just a bunch of middle school behavior from the people we serve. We - did I mention before that C works with me. Actually, in the hierarchy that's there I'm above her. Anyway, today is a tough one and C is out of joint because she is the target of some of the middle school behavior. I have to talk her down a couple of times. The stress of all this gets to her too. The odd thing is that after a 12 hour day that included a lot of direct support and interaction with C I feel better than I have in a while.
So the list:
What I (think I) know
- I love C and the kids.
- I am a better person for having met her almost 30 years ago now
- I cannot envision myself her in the medium term (2-3 years)
- Every time I decide that I can stay for the long term I get dangerously depressed.
- My life feels like a lie. I do not feel authentic. Some, but not all of this might be relieved if I came out to more people.
- I am suppressing sexuality altogether as a coping mechanism
- When I am hanging out in a gay friendly atmosphere where the majority or totality of people are gay I feel at home in a way I never have before.
- I don't trust the veracity to my feelings
- That I cannot make the marriage work
- That I should be able to make the marriage work
- That an open marriage would not work for C
- That an open marriage would not work for me
- All to often that just dying would make it all better (hence the - "but you're depressed")
- That various people have an agenda - e.g., the guy who suggested this list is married and gay and seems to be able to do both
- That there are some people who can be married and gay both in open and closed marriages.