Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Twice in a month

Reflections on today.  My wife spent a bit of time yesterday calling psychiatrists.  For me.  She started to panic after using words like "psych eval" and "I'm not sure he's safe"  At that point they were telling her to ship me off to the ER to be admitted.  I am safe btw. 

So, I seem to have "complicated coming out."  As I understand it, complicated grief is grief that lasts over a year.  My process has been stuck for well over that time.  Why?  Why have I been stuck.  Well the options seem to be stay within the marriage with varying amounts of being out.  That is, no sexual or romantic activity other than with my wife.  To leave the marriage in one sense or another which opens up the possibility of other outlets.  Or to open the marriage on one or both sides. 

Option 1 - opening the marriage.  This does not seem satisfactory to either my wife or myself.

Option 2 - status quo - remain married.  Attractive in so many ways.  Wife is my best friend and been there for and with me.  Status quo with the kids is good.  Life in general works well as it is.  Except for one small thing.  I'm gay and trying to live the status quo led to calling the shrink's office today for an appointment before the end of the month.  Should be on happy pills soon :-).  It's led to heart issues and enough anxiety, depression and anger that my behavior has gotten worrisome. 

Ergo, Option 3 - leaving the marriage in some sense.  Spiritually/morally if not legally. 

We've been dealing with my statement that I see no way out other than Option 3 or celibacy. 

Funny thing is I don't want the 3rd option, but now that I've said it and thought it there seems to be a break, a change.  We'll see if it lasts.

What a long strange trip it's been.


No comments:

Post a Comment