Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Direction, Pain, and Compassion

Things are settling a bit in my head.  Perhaps it's the meds, perhaps it's a placeo effect.  At any rate it feels good.  It feels a little more stable.  It feels a little more hole.

That being said I don't have a time frame for anything.  My therapist asked on Tuesday, "So Jim, what's your time frame?"  My response was hesitant.  I'm not even sure where we're going let alone when we'll arrive!! 

That being said, we are moving toward some sort of dissolution.  And it seems to be moving amicably. 

I was reflecting on pain and compassion earlier today while listening to a podcast of On Being.  I am more able to be with, to be present to C's pain at where we are heading because I can reflect on the pain I've been in for years now.  I am or at least I hope I am on the tail end of that pain.  But because I have been able to make it through the pain of coming out to myself, to here and deal with the ramifications of that I am better able to sit and be with her in her pain without it consuming me.  That is a surprise - I was afraid that her pain would consume me.  It has not; it does not always feel great to say the least.  But I am able to be present to it and not take responsibility when it is not mine to take.  I can be sorry that instead of sorry for

And that attitude will allow me to continue to move forward positively, causing the least harm, and yet honoring who I am - a gay man who, for now, is married to a straight woman.

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