Things are settling a bit in my head. Perhaps it's the meds, perhaps it's a placeo effect. At any rate it feels good. It feels a little more stable. It feels a little more hole.
That being said, we are moving toward some sort of dissolution. And it seems to be moving amicably.
I was reflecting on pain and compassion earlier today while listening to a podcast of On Being. I am more able to be with, to be present to C's pain at where we are heading because I can reflect on the pain I've been in for years now. I am or at least I hope I am on the tail end of that pain. But because I have been able to make it through the pain of coming out to myself, to here and deal with the ramifications of that I am better able to sit and be with her in her pain without it consuming me. That is a surprise - I was afraid that her pain would consume me. It has not; it does not always feel great to say the least. But I am able to be present to it and not take responsibility when it is not mine to take. I can be sorry that instead of sorry for.
And that attitude will allow me to continue to move forward positively, causing the least harm, and yet honoring who I am - a gay man who, for now, is married to a straight woman.