Wednesday, April 20, 2011

De/constructive Tension

TENSION - I was looking for an image to add about tension.  Some were violently graphic.  Then there were two interesting ones  See above.

So first the tension and then the possibility.

The tension is that my choices are tearing up a reasonably well-functioning family.

Now - I do not mean that I am choosing to be gay.  But I am choosing to live as a gay man.  And not to live as a husband to my wife.  There are choices there.  I think I am making the best ones and the tension of being a gay man married to a woman is greater for me by far and has had effects on my health and interactions with others.

But the tension remains that something that was and largely still is good is changing in an unexpected and unwelcome way.  That hurts and harms both C and me.  And it will do the same to the kids.

For me this then almost immediately turns into self loathing.  If only . . . everything would be fine.  Bur frankly I have tried the if onlys.  I have tried to ignore it all; I have tried to be gay and be married (to a woman); I have even flirted with trying to be not gay.  The results were the same - continued depression and anxiety.  Either no sexual attraction to anyone or sexual attraction to men only.  It's like a faucet - I can suppress the sexual attraction to men, but the cost is that I suppress it altogether.   The option we have not tried is to be completely non-sexual and remain married (open marriage is not viable for either of us).  That just leaves me cold.  I do not think that that is something I can or even should do.  That too is part of the tension and choice - sort of.

This then again leaves me with one choice - to not be married and to live as a gay man.  Perhaps one who continues to live with or near his family of procreation, but not as husband and wife. 

Now I've said it again and oddly enough it fits better - like breaking in a new pair of shoes.

So perhaps I can take this tension and use it.  Perhaps it can be part of the raw material that makes/influences/forms a person who is more whole. more integrated.

12 hours later and I'm back.  Wrote the above at noon.   Still in tension :)

So while eating dinner C had a very interesting question for me.  What would bring you joy?   There has not been a lot of joy in Mudville recently.  I realized that I haven't felt joy in quite some time.  And I cannot think of what would bring me joy.  Then it sneaked up on me - walking along the beach holding hands with a guy - yes there is one in mind.  That might bring some joy.  Or just being in P-town or Chelsea walking around with another man or two spending the day with no real agenda.  Those bring a smile to mind; they could bring joy.

And that brings a bit of sadness and worry.  Who am I to get joy at the expense of someone else  Is that what I'm doing?  

Can I use this tension, this energy to develop and change into who I am supposed to be.  The assumptions are telling - I'm developing and changing.  I am not the person I was and I am not sure who the person is who I am becoming.

Tomorrow is GAY DAY!!

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