Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Third time is the charm - so they say

Okay.  So it's been a heck of a week.  Our therapy is on Saturday - said as clearly as I have so far that I do not see how marriage can work.  Tears on both of our parts.

Bottom line - it's so fucking sad and so fucking unfair.  BUT it is.  And we need to move from there.

And we have.  We have continued to talk and to hold each other.   I am not sure how it will progress.  The marriage is changing.  C thinks that I am being unrealistic in thinking we can still be friends and live in proximity to each other.  My take is that is best for the kids and probably for us too.  Sure I'd love to run off to San Francisco, P-town, or Chelsea, but that too would be inauthentic.

Instead the goal is to take the easier and softer path, even when it seems more difficult.  It is to stay engaged and involved, to stay present, to experience the pain and then to move through it.

But then, sometimes I doubt my grip on reality - is this really happening?  Am I somehow making this up?  Are you sure you're gay?  Are you doing all of this for nothing?  On and on it can go.  Right now it's difficult because I do not feel terribly attracted to men.  I don't feel attracted to anything - I've suppressed it all.  But truth be told the idea of sex with a woman besides C is definitely unattractive.  Whereas the idea of sex with a random (and at least reasonably attractive) man is not unattractive.  Proof by negation :)

Bottom line again - this is real; this sucks; I can survive this.  The last is crucial - seeing C's pain makes me realize the pain this situation is causing in her and that hurts.  It also makes me see the pain I've felt for the past 5 years.  5 years that I have been dealing (or avoiding dealing) with this.  I am ready for the pain to fade and some joy to come back in.

On a different front - As if this were not enough, I am actively looking for work as well.  And have been for a while.   It is time to move on for all sorts of reasons.  I have two prospects at this point who have seen my stuff and called me.  Both would offer 60-100% more money than now - that is crucial going forward if we have separate residences and is some of what is driving the search.

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