Saturday, May 18, 2013


I'm hoping I am not playing roulette of the Russian kind.  One doesn't always know which roulette one is playing until it's too late.

I have decided to blog again to keep a journal of sorts to track how I am doing and feeling.  I realized most recently that I had to do this when I had two days back to back where I did not want to die or to kill myself.  It had been a long time since I had had a day without such thoughts - often for much of a day.

The antecedent - I told my therapist that I had decided the marriage could not last.  I then told a friend who is gay that I am too and that I needed to come out - in life and out of the marriage.

Round and round we go where we stop nobody knows.  

Not true.  I know.  I can choose and have.

What a wonderful thing it is to feel comfortable in one's own skin.

It's been a long time.

I happen to be lucky enough to have a connection locally here with a group of gay and lesbian folks who meet regularly for an AA meeting - just outing myself all over the place.  I took the opportunity not only to go to the formal meeting, but took time to go out afterward.  It is indeed like going home.

What a wonderful opportunity to just be - to not isolate.

The decision, albeit still new, has brought peace in a way that has been missing for a while.

I should add that I have a meeting set up for work as well.  When (not if as I first typed) I come out I will likely have to change work as well.  I work in a small nonprofit that is more or less "faith based" in a state with no LGBT worker protections.  I am not sure that there would be negative repercussions, but am preparing for the possibility.  This second meeting is with the friend I spoke with the other day. 

It feels good to be known again.  I have rehidden in a closet for the past 12-18 months - not a safe place.  Indeed, I am more out now than I have really ever been.

I have indeed been playing Russian Roulette.  Today I choose not to.


  1. Wow! And congratulations!! It takes courage but in the end, you will find that living a life of truth, of not hiding who you really are will be empowering. Intoxicating.

    You will never want to go back in the closet, ever again. But I wonder if it would have been wise (probably too late) to find another job before coming out at your present workplace?

    1. Thanks Buddy Bear. I'm not out at my current workplace. I am now looking for work (again) as a result. The closet does have allure - safety, comfort, familiarity. Or seemingly so. While it's familiar, it's safety and comfort are a sham.