I have decided to blog again to keep a journal of sorts to track how I am doing and feeling. I realized most recently that I had to do this when I had two days back to back where I did not want to die or to kill myself. It had been a long time since I had had a day without such thoughts - often for much of a day.
The antecedent - I told my therapist that I had decided the marriage could not last. I then told a friend who is gay that I am too and that I needed to come out - in life and out of the marriage.
Round and round we go where we stop nobody knows.
Not true. I know. I can choose and have.
What a wonderful thing it is to feel comfortable in one's own skin.
It's been a long time.
I happen to be lucky enough to have a connection locally here with a group of gay and lesbian folks who meet regularly for an AA meeting - just outing myself all over the place. I took the opportunity not only to go to the formal meeting, but took time to go out afterward. It is indeed like going home.
What a wonderful opportunity to just be - to not isolate.
The decision, albeit still new, has brought peace in a way that has been missing for a while.
I should add that I have a meeting set up for work as well. When (not if as I first typed) I come out I will likely have to change work as well. I work in a small nonprofit that is more or less "faith based" in a state with no LGBT worker protections. I am not sure that there would be negative repercussions, but am preparing for the possibility. This second meeting is with the friend I spoke with the other day.
It feels good to be known again. I have rehidden in a closet for the past 12-18 months - not a safe place. Indeed, I am more out now than I have really ever been.
I have indeed been playing Russian Roulette. Today I choose not to.