Roulette

I'm hoping I am not playing roulette of the Russian kind.  One doesn't always know which roulette one is playing until it's too late.

I have decided to blog again to keep a journal of sorts to track how I am doing and feeling.  I realized most recently that I had to do this when I had two days back to back where I did not want to die or to kill myself.  It had been a long time since I had had a day without such thoughts - often for much of a day.

The antecedent - I told my therapist that I had decided the marriage could not last.  I then told a friend who is gay that I am too and that I needed to come out - in life and out of the marriage.

Round and round we go where we stop nobody knows.  

Not true.  I know.  I can choose and have.

What a wonderful thing it is to feel comfortable in one's own skin.

It's been a long time.

I happen to be lucky enough to have a connection locally here with a group of gay and lesbian folks who meet regularly for an AA meeting - just outing myself all over the place.  I took the opportunity not only to go to the formal meeting, but took time to go out afterward.  It is indeed like going home.

What a wonderful opportunity to just be - to not isolate.

The decision, albeit still new, has brought peace in a way that has been missing for a while.

I should add that I have a meeting set up for work as well.  When (not if as I first typed) I come out I will likely have to change work as well.  I work in a small nonprofit that is more or less "faith based" in a state with no LGBT worker protections.  I am not sure that there would be negative repercussions, but am preparing for the possibility.  This second meeting is with the friend I spoke with the other day. 

It feels good to be known again.  I have rehidden in a closet for the past 12-18 months - not a safe place.  Indeed, I am more out now than I have really ever been.

I have indeed been playing Russian Roulette.  Today I choose not to.