Aerosmith

Remember that old Aerosmith song - Back in the Saddle?  I didn't particularly like Aerosmith as a kid, but as I think about the blog and the 9 month hiatus this song is running through my head.

I'm not sure if I am back in the saddle, but I am stuck in the same old crap as usual.  Still married; still substantially in the closet; still peering out every now and then.  But the blog has offered a good way to vent and figure things out. 

On the good front since late winter I have changed work and moved 700+ miles west into America's heartland - God help me!!  The city we are in however is very gay friendly and I am reasonably close to the closest thing to a gayborhood.  The work is similar, but with support. 

The issues as I (continue to) see them:

1. I'm married and love my wife. I don't want to do anything that will hurt or harm her.

2. I am gay. I'm not bi. I don't know if I were bi whether it would work. But I notice guys not girls - especially the one at that counter at City Market around 2pn yesterday.

3. I continue to work in a situation where I worry that being out would be harmful.

4. What I'm doing now isn't working.I'm getting sick of the taste of sand in my mouth.

5. I'm off the anti depressants - no health insurance. And most of the time that's ok. Sometimes it is not.

So I feel as if I'm on a treadmill - running as fast as I can and standing still. The problem is I keep staying on the damn treadmill.

What I know - the times when I really acknowledge deep down - I'm gay, I am better off.  I tend not to acknowledge it deep down. 

So just writing and thinking about what I've been writing over the last couple of days has helped.  It acknowledges who/what I am.

I listened to an interesting podcast while running today.  The guest of the show was asked if he felt he was a victim of the ex-gay sort of movement that forces (or tries to) change or at least remain closeted.  The guest said no, that that had never been an explicit message.  He closeted himself.  I agree and that is me too.  BUT - while no adult ever said explicitly (that I remember) that being gay was bad, it was there in the air.  Hell no one ever told me that armed robbery was a bad idea or jumping off the roof of the house was a bad idea.

So - onward and upward.  I will at this point keep on keeping on and find some way that works for me to acknowledge the gay in a way that works for me.