Sunday, May 19, 2013

Crunch Time

It is crunch time in a number of different ways right now.

The kids are in the last throes of the year at school.  There is joy and sadness tinged with dread for the work that needs to be done in the next weeks.

Vacations are in the mix.  Two are coming up.  Over Memorial Day weekend we are slated to go away.  It will be the first vacation in over a year.  At the same time we are planning a visit to see C's family for a graduation party.  I think I mention it in earlier posts.  C's mum disowned me about 3 years ago now.  She didn't like that I gave her the cold shoulder after she outed me to C's dad and siblings.  That should be a joyous trip.

And most important is D-day.  When to I drop the bomb.  Honey, I love you, but am not in love with you. I have tried to for the past 4 years "post-disclosure".  Inevitably, I cycle.  I feel good when I realize I am gay.  That I cannot change that even if I wanted to.  I then realize that I cannot live the double life of seeming straight and being gay - I feel like a lie.  I then realize divorce/separation are inevitable.  I feel good. I then realize I don't want to hurt C.  I back-burner the gay thing - I feel good after all.  I slowly cycle back into depression.  I want to harm myself.  I see no way out.  I then start over - that's right I AM gay; I've been suppressing again.

C has upped the ante - asking to come to my therapy appointment.  I've put it off indefinitely.

The plan -

Connect up to look for work that is safer.
Continue therapy.
Find outlets.

Time to search on Indeed.

Peace out as my high schooler would say.


  1. Speaking for myself only, if I had a good relationship with my wife I would never tell her that I'm not in love with her, even if it's true. Making that point doesn't change the situation, but it's a terribly hurtful thing to say. What really matters is that I'm gay and a romantic relationship between a gay man and a straight woman doesn't make any sense. A terrific, loving friendship does, but not a romance.

  2. Cameron - you're on the money on that one. As I was typing I knew there was something amiss; it didn't feel right. Thanks for pointing out why it didn't.