Taking Pause

It's so easy to get so wrapped up in all of this. It can block out other things that matter.  I've spent years going over being gay and married and what that means.  It has sucked up a lot of energy and even a lot of joy.

Taking time off is a necessary thing - not to try to make it go away, but to get perspective.  Sometimes I am able to do this intentionally by doing things like stopping for a moment to see and appreciate beauty - the moonrise the other day, sunrise this morning, a child joyfully running about. Going to a car show yesterday with the two younger ones was a way to do that - we just argued about which cars we liked.  #2 daughter and I liked the same one most. 

Then there are the moments that really give pause and put things into perspective. Two such events happened for me yesterday.  One of my volunteers was in a position where it was best that he call a woman to notify her that her son had died a week ago.  She had not known and the medical examiner would not release the body without positive identification from a relative.  I don't have all the details yet, but informing a woman of the untimely death of her son trumps anything in my day.

Then yesterday C pulls me aside.  She and #1 daughter have been talking.  They spent a good bit of Saturday sequestered while I had the other children.  It seems #1 thinks she may be bi.  Or perhaps lesbian.  While I buy that there are people who are bi (sorry couldn't resist), I think it can be a stopping place that is safer and easier to deal with than being gay or lesbian.

I am not out to her or her sibs yet. 

What a bombshell.  Thousands of thoughts went through my head in a matter of seconds - that explains #1's self-injurious behavior, wonderful someone to walk the journey with,  joy (and jealousy) that she can do this as a teen rather than wait until she in her 40's, I should come out to her, we all should be in therapy . . .  We'll see how that works out in the coming weeks.

There is joy on the other side of the journey I am on as a man who is gay and married to a woman. Indeed there us joy on the journey and sometimes even because of the journey.

Today I will grab some of that joy.  

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