Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Im Westen nichts Neues (All Quiet on the Western Front)

I love Wikipedia.  Information that's usually reliable at one's fingertips, at least about some things. 

So sitting at work today with the brain zaps that are really detracting from my quality of life.  I can't concentrate well, I have the constant zapping - sometimes as loud as an electric bug zapper or crickets and I am on edge - anything can set me into a rage.  I almost had #3 in tears yesterday over nothing, but was able to pull it back in time.

Anyway, C says yesterday that she would like to spend time chatting with me.  Just to connect.  But it's clear to both of us that this is not a good time given how labile I've been.

But that has made me begin to think of where I am and what I need.  First the job search is going slowly.  I was beginning to think that I could stay where I am.  The work is great, the workers are great, even if being out would be difficult.  But another discussion with those above me made it clear that this would not be wise.  While I only encounter them very irregularly, I want to dope slap them.  They don't get the organization, they don't get the cash flow, they don't do much of anything to help - whine, whine.  So issue #1, get a job; it is time to move on for many reasons.  This will likely involve moving, at least for me.  Which gets to #2.  

#2 is that I love C, she loves me, we have a relationship that is better than most hetero-hetero ones we know.  But, and indeed it is a big but(t) (nice opportunity to add a gratuitous picture), the incompatibility is too much when we are together.  My experience show that I cannot sanely keep my feet in two different worlds.  I am the one who is split in two.  Sure divorce will likely temporarily split C in two.  Staying together will most likely permanently split me in two.  Frankly divorce will temporarily split me in two - but that will be temporary; I will heal from that sort of split.

I know the track record too well.   I suppress being gay with limited outlets like the internet.  I become detached from life.  I become depressed.  I realize it does not work doing that.  I get better.  Things are good as they are; I don't want to disrupt the status quo.  I suppress being gay . . . and the cycle begins again.  I mentioned a poem bu Portia Nelson on my June 27, 2011 post that sums up the process well.  I'm on the same street again.  But now I have a map both to avoid the whole and to find a different street. 

The meds have helped with the depression piece.  In that sense the Effexor did work.  My hope is that the med I'm on now will do that and not have the side effects and withdrawal nightmare.  The cycle was quicker without a deep sink into depression.  In that sense the effexor was even worth it as much as it has had negative effects.

So, The Plan.

1.  Maintain status quo for now.  Maybe even let on that I think the marriage can work.  That is a dangerous game since in order to lie I will likely have to come to believe it myself. 

2.  Set things up to make it easier to split.  Encourage C to go back to school.

3.  Remember it could be a lengthy process.  I may have to stick around in some sense for a while to set things up well.  I love C and the kids and want to do right by them (and me).

4.  Job - get one that pays better.  I think a third of my pay will be child support.  I was the product of a divorce where this was not done.  I don't think any support, or at least not much, was paid.

5.  Be out. 

Okay not not quite like the to the right with the mohawk.  I have never wanted a mohawk - good thing since I couldn't have a real one for at least a decade.

Be out like

Most of this was written yesterday.

The zaps are a little better right now.  I found a site that says breathing deeply works on the zaps and on the anger.  It also works on my blood pressure which has been elevated.  Yet another reason to restart meditation.  Maybe I will this time.

I don't like the plan I out lined above.  It sucks!  But it is the best plan out there.  Life is good, but often unfair.  "What's good?  Life's good; but not fair at all."  Lou Reed.

1 comment:

  1. One factor to consider is that your agonizing may eventually be perceived by your wife as a slow, painful crawl toward the inevitable. If it goes on long enough she will eventually run out of patience and become increasingly agitated. This is what happened with Jim of Conflicting Clarity. If you go back and read his blog from around Jan/Feb 2010, you'll see that his wife was trying very hard to keep her cool while Jim agonized about what to do. There were both much happier when he made a decision. That allowed both of them to get on with their lives, which they have done quite successfully. How Jim's story applies to you is something only you can decide, but you might go back and look at what he wrote at the time.