Thursday, July 7, 2011

I am (no longer) alone

I got a comment from Not Alone who blogs at Gay Married in the Midwest.  He stated, "you are not alone."

I think that that has been one of the most amazing things over the years.  Six, eight years ago when the process first began, I knew of one person who had come out in a marriage.  It was the woman of a couple C and I knew who came out, moved out, and moved in with another friend of ours.  The husband was devastated and was for some time.  It all happened within the course of a few months.

So, I thought that there was no one out there in the same situation.  The gay Episcopal priest I went to in the very beginning was very little help - he was no help at all, except that he was cute and I realized how gay I was when I wanted to jump his bones.  The thought still brings a smile to my face and . . . But he did not suggest any connection to a group or individual who were in the same situation.

Here I was 18 years married (at the time), just coming out to myself and feeling completely alone, isolated and bereft of all support. 

I felt battered and hopeless.  My solution of suppressing being gay more did NOT work.  That suppression led to depression and suicidality.  Just today I was thinking - I haven't seriously wanted to kill myself in months!!  The sad thing is that that is remarkable; it's a sad thing that I should feel great because I've not wanted to kill myself for months instead of never having felt that way.

But Not Alone is right.  I am not alone.

There are tons of us out there - way more than I ever thought.  For those who may still feel alone let me share resources I have found - some of which I've used.

Internet groups/listservs:

HOW - Husbands out to their wives - contact Frazer -

HUGS - Hope-Understanding-Growth-Support.
For "mixed orientation couples"  Both must join- HUGS

MMOMW Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work  MMOMW

Bisexual Married Men of America BMMA

MMOM Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage MMOM

Spouses out to their spouses SOTTS

The above seem focused somewhat or entirely on working within a male/female marriage.  Some are very explicit that this is the goal.

Forum for married/bi men HERE

Closed Loop Relationships They state, "A closed-loop relationship consists of two married men who don't cheat on their wives with other women and who don't fool around with other guys."  As I understand it ideally the wives know.


Other Websites I found helpful

Married Male

Married Gay

Gay Friendly Religious Sites - haven't always checked these out
Be VERY careful not to wonder into some ex-gay bullshit.  I've seen Christian, Jewish and Muslim ex-gay groups out there.  It's easy to wander into and REALLY warped.
I don't know about you, but I've run into a disproportionate amount of guys who are or were raised conservative or Orthodox Jews, Roman Catholics and evangelicals.  Perhaps those traditions are  closet makers.


Gay Christian Network - note they accept folks who think gay relationships are fine and those who think it is fine to be gay, but not to be gay sexually. But they seem to explicitly reject ex-gay BS.

Gay Buddhist Sangha

Gay Buddhist Open Forum Yahoo Group

Queer Jews in Sydney

Jewish Gay Youth

This site expired a couple of weeks ago.   I included it in case it comes back online Al-fatiha

Gay & Lesbian Arab Society


Inner Circle

Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association

Geographically specific sites

Gay Fathers Association Seattle

Gay Married Men Washington DC GAMMA

 Other GAMMA affiliates

Boston Gay and Bisexual Marred Men   My hometown!!  They have wonderful links

NYC two groups at the GLBT Center - Gay/bi dads and NYC Married Men's Group - Located HERE

Check out the LGBT Center near you - a directory of US and some others is HERE.  Note it's by no means all inclusive.  The one closest to me is not listed.

And yes Buddy Bear and others who sprinkle "u"s randomly in words like honour and colour this is an awfully US-centric list except for the Muslim list.  However, I bet that these Gay Married men know where to put the favourite u into you.  Gay Married Men

I'm sure there are tons of other sites out there.  I found it helpful to ALWAYS look for the links page (or resources page) even if a site I was on was only marginally helpful; I've found many a gem there.  Sort of like checking out other guys blogroll - not that you have to restrict yourself to checking out his blogroll!!


  1. I just stumbled upon your blog...
    I have felt so alone all of these years. I started blogging a month or so ago as some type of self-therapy. I really don't know where I want to go with my sexuality at all...I am confused and conflicted. I appreciate your blog and I plan on reading earlier posts when I have the time this weekend. I also noticed that you put my blog on your blogroll. Thanks for doing that.
    Good luck with your journey. You are right, we are not alone. It has been amazing how I've found an online community to "talk" to.

    Take care..

  2. Thanks for all of the links. That took alot of time and enegy. I think blogging this journey is therapy for me, and knowing that others from time to time read it makes it worth while.
    God bless you.

  3. Thanks guys. The online blogging community seems a better fit for me than others. It is indeed good therapy.