Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The times they are a changin

October 1st.

C and I both bailed on work this morning.  Last night was a rough one.  More tears.  More pain.

I feel the guilt of being gay and causing harm to my family, but it is different now.  I know the guilt is false, unhelpful, and counterproductive.  I do not stay there overly long.

I do feel the pain.  I see the pain in C.   And I anticipate the pain that I will see in the eyes of the kids.

But we are committed to continuing to move forward.  Therapy yesterday was rough, but we know we need to have a plan.  C knows for certain that I cannot live with something like the status quo.  And we are committed to doing this as well as possible for ourselves and the kids. 

All the options we are considering include different living situations for each of us. 

When I can pause and put the pain aside, real hope starts to seep in.  As C has noted I haven't always been that fun to be around for the past 4-6 years as I dealt (or didn't) with being gay and married over the past bit.  I've been miserable and it has shown in my interactions with others including the kids. 

The hope is that now that I can simply be who I am I can settle in to a new life, a different life that is more integrated.  It is not a life that will exclude C or especially not the kids, but it is a life where I am.  Where I am able to just be.  Where I am able to be whole and authentic.  Where I do not have to hide.

That gives me hope.  The nice thing is even in the pain of all this I see that hope starting to come to fruition.

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