I've been a little caught up in how things are going to look when C and I part ways. What will I do? Where will I live? What does this mean for me when I am older? Lest you think I'm completely self-centered I worry about this for C too, but naturally spend more time on myself.
I don't know the answer to any of these questions. The questions scare me; that I don't have a clue as to the answers scares me.
It dawned on me as I began my acupuncture appointment that I am not asking the right questions. Now these questions are important - I need to live somewhere. I need to know what my relationships will look like, etc. But they are not at the crux of the issue. They are not the reason I started down this path.
I need to integrate who and what I am into my life. I need to be gay in a way that is authentic to my lived experience. For me that does not include, very unfortunately and disappointingly, being married. So the questions I need to ask don't revolve around whether I'll live next to C, across town or in P-town. Instead they are what does it mean to be gay. What will it be like to be able to be gay, to be authentic. How will it feel not to be lying to yourself.
The being and the doing both have to be addressed and integrated.