Odds and ends

Things are tensing up with C.  She is very good at seeing the handwriting on the wall.  I think she knows where my head is better than I do. 

I'm coming to realize that my avoidance of conflict is not serving me very well.  While at one point it may have served some purpose, it is now causing much more pain than it prevents. 

I had a random thought the other day.  Well okay I have them all the time.  But this was about a cruise.  I was listening to NPR about the struggles cruise lines have been having and that they seem to be lowering rates.  A cruise sounded like a very attractive idea.  C has broached that a few times and I've always poo-pooed it.  I should add - a gay cruise sounded nice.

Perhaps it really is time to avoid conflict and get on with life.

 

Grief

We're all on vacation.  And I should add having fun for the most part.  

We went to an art museum where I saw this print entitled Grief.  

Grief is a funny thing.  I've been thinking about it a bit since the last therapy appointment when the therapist said I could be grieving.  

We (or at least I) tend to try to avoid it.  Grief seems so overwhelming from a distance.  It impinges in our happiness.  We're taught that the "pursuit of happiness" is a fundamental right, but I would argue we miss what happiness really is.  But I digress.  

It is seeming to me that grief is like a negative of Impressionist painting.  I saw both Renoir and Monet at the museum.  Up close it is more difficult to see what the paintings are about.   It is only from a sufficient distance that one can see them clearly. 

Grief I am thinking is the opposite.  From afar it is distorted.   Up close one can see it for what it is, even though it still does hurt.  It is a reaction to a loss of something that is or was a good thing, but it is not the overwhelming wave it can threaten to be.  

What a lovely day in the neighborhood

I have individual therapy on Thursdays.  I don't find therapy to be fun.  

But it's not supposed to be.  

Today I went in feeling very down, feeling trapped again.  

I did some hard work.  The insight for the day is that some of that overwhelming pain I've been feeling regularly since coming out to myself and C is grief.  Grief for my relationship with C. Grief for the loss of who I thought I was/appeared to be.  

Much of the rest of the day went well.  I felt lighter.  

Things with C are tense. Not sure exactly what happened but she's mumbling she can't take this any more.  

I agree.  

Crunch Time

It is crunch time in a number of different ways right now.

The kids are in the last throes of the year at school.  There is joy and sadness tinged with dread for the work that needs to be done in the next weeks.

Vacations are in the mix.  Two are coming up.  Over Memorial Day weekend we are slated to go away.  It will be the first vacation in over a year.  At the same time we are planning a visit to see C's family for a graduation party.  I think I mention it in earlier posts.  C's mum disowned me about 3 years ago now.  She didn't like that I gave her the cold shoulder after she outed me to C's dad and siblings.  That should be a joyous trip.

And most important is D-day.  When to I drop the bomb.  Honey, I love you, but am not in love with you. I have tried to for the past 4 years "post-disclosure".  Inevitably, I cycle.  I feel good when I realize I am gay.  That I cannot change that even if I wanted to.  I then realize that I cannot live the double life of seeming straight and being gay - I feel like a lie.  I then realize divorce/separation are inevitable.  I feel good. I then realize I don't want to hurt C.  I back-burner the gay thing - I feel good after all.  I slowly cycle back into depression.  I want to harm myself.  I see no way out.  I then start over - that's right I AM gay; I've been suppressing again.

C has upped the ante - asking to come to my therapy appointment.  I've put it off indefinitely.

The plan -

Connect up to look for work that is safer.
Continue therapy.
Find outlets.

Time to search on Indeed.

Peace out as my high schooler would say.

Roulette

I'm hoping I am not playing roulette of the Russian kind.  One doesn't always know which roulette one is playing until it's too late.

I have decided to blog again to keep a journal of sorts to track how I am doing and feeling.  I realized most recently that I had to do this when I had two days back to back where I did not want to die or to kill myself.  It had been a long time since I had had a day without such thoughts - often for much of a day.

The antecedent - I told my therapist that I had decided the marriage could not last.  I then told a friend who is gay that I am too and that I needed to come out - in life and out of the marriage.

Round and round we go where we stop nobody knows.  

Not true.  I know.  I can choose and have.

What a wonderful thing it is to feel comfortable in one's own skin.

It's been a long time.

I happen to be lucky enough to have a connection locally here with a group of gay and lesbian folks who meet regularly for an AA meeting - just outing myself all over the place.  I took the opportunity not only to go to the formal meeting, but took time to go out afterward.  It is indeed like going home.

What a wonderful opportunity to just be - to not isolate.

The decision, albeit still new, has brought peace in a way that has been missing for a while.

I should add that I have a meeting set up for work as well.  When (not if as I first typed) I come out I will likely have to change work as well.  I work in a small nonprofit that is more or less "faith based" in a state with no LGBT worker protections.  I am not sure that there would be negative repercussions, but am preparing for the possibility.  This second meeting is with the friend I spoke with the other day. 

It feels good to be known again.  I have rehidden in a closet for the past 12-18 months - not a safe place.  Indeed, I am more out now than I have really ever been.

I have indeed been playing Russian Roulette.  Today I choose not to.