Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Kids and school and insecurity

The younger kids started school the other day.  I was roughest on the middle child and C.  Middle child tends to be the most sensitive.

All three had been homeschooled until last year when the oldest went and did well.  This year changing circumstances made it necessary to send all three.  The circumstances being insecurity - both in my job (in a way I have taken a significant pay cut this past February) and in our relationship. 

The insecurity is doing nothing for me.  I am convinced that it is at the root of the shoulder and back pain - which is now almost gone.  But is replaced with a minor ongoing heart issue.  And is certainly the cause of the depression  - mostly controlled at this point with the help of a little white pill.  I can hear Grace Slick now - One pill makes you larger . . .  .

I know, a whiny gay guy is not attractive.  But at this point that is most of what there is.  The options are clear to me:

1. Stay and make accommodations to the marriage so that I can be both gay and married.  C has ruled out opening the marriage.  And, to be honest, it doesn't hold a lot of attraction to me either.  I am a one person guy and the complication of one relationship is enough.  It works for some and more power to them.

2.  Stay and be monogamous.  It is not in my nature to be on the down low.  I have said I will tell C before I have sex with a guy or for that matter anyone else.  For me this has meant cutting off the gay part (pun partly intended).  It means a shunting aside of who I am.  Or at least I have yet to find accommodation.   Now I have seen where both monogamy and the appearance of it (being on the down low) seems to work.  Again more power to them.

3.  Which leaves #3.  I feel like Sherlock Holmes - when you have eliminated the impossible what remains, however improbable, is the truth.  Now my issue is that I am not sure that 1 or 2 above are impossible, but the have been so far.  What remains is separation/divorce or some radically different sort of relationship with C.  And that is heart breaking. 

I go irregularly to a group of gay married guys in a nearby city.  There are only a couple of us whose marriages are good to excellent except for being gay.  For many divorce was the only rational choice.  But in my case C and I do very well other than that one no-so-little thing - I'm gay. 

Again, I know whining doesn't help and I've covered this ground so many times in my own head that it seems I've worn ruts in the brain that are difficult to get out of. 

So, steps for today.

  1. Continue to manage the pain with both conventional and alternative methods.  It is manageable now.  A couple or three weeks ago I couldn't type.  I am doing it now without thought or hesitation. 
  2. Continue to search for a new job while not burning bridges here.  Assume that there will not be movement where I am currently that will be sufficient to make me stay, but don't rule it out.  Continue to reflect on whether I could really be out here and asses the impact if I were to be out. 
  3. Find an affordable, experienced, gay friendly therapist who doesn't have an agenda.  I am not in therapy at this point - neither individual or couples.  The last one seemed to have an agenda - to convince me I am bisexual and that the marriage could work.  This will have to wait until after the copays are over for the shoulder/back. 
  4. Begin to sit in meditation again at least for 20 minutes in the morning.
  5. Continue to breathe and realize that there is a way out even if I cannot see it at this point.  
  6. Remember that I did not choose this path.  I am not responsible for the society that left the closet as the only option for me.  But I am responsible for my behavior now.
A tall order.  I will work on #4 tonight and tomorrow which will bring many of the others into perspective.


  1. Perhaps I am dense but I don't see much difference between option one and option two. It appears that option two is to essentially stay hidden in the closet but option one is to be "out" to some degree. No sex with men in either case.

    If the two options are the same then aren't you in a binary situation where the critical question is whether you have sex with men or not? If you KNOW you can't live another 40 years like that, then yes, divorce is inevitable. If you think therapy or having gay friends or porn or some combination of those things could be satisfying enough then divorce is not inevitable. Lots of gay married men remain faithful (many Mormons it seems) and "mostly" their marriages work. The thing I always wonder about is the wife. Have you discussed whether she'd be happy if you were somewhat "out" yet faithful?

  2. I think your "next steps" list is fantastic! Well done!

    Although the path ahead was so uncertain, I felt that once I started this journey, it was impossible to go back. It takes courage to push ahead; at some points, I was scared sh*tless, but there was no other option.

    As to the effect of stress on your health: join the club! I've been suffering from chest pains (EKG was clear), stress induced asthma and my earlier spinal problem was triggered by muscular stress / tension / spasms. Because our separation / divorce is proceeding fairly amicably, these symptoms are easing somewhat. These health problems give me a greater urgency to end my marriage and start my new life.

  3. Two lives - I think what I was doing was stating the possibilities and then showing why they don't seem to work. Option 1 open marriage is ruled out; option 2 staying together and monogamous hasn't worked for me thus far. But you've hit it I think I don't KNOW at this point. Yes C is fine with me being out and faithful. And there are a good number of people at this point who do know.

    Buddy Bear - as always thanks. I didn't get to sit zen this morning. Instead I had an EMG for my pain/numbness issues. It was a painful test and has caused me to tense up. MRI tonight - fun, fun, fun!!