All three had been homeschooled until last year when the oldest went and did well. This year changing circumstances made it necessary to send all three. The circumstances being insecurity - both in my job (in a way I have taken a significant pay cut this past February) and in our relationship.
I know, a whiny gay guy is not attractive. But at this point that is most of what there is. The options are clear to me:
1. Stay and make accommodations to the marriage so that I can be both gay and married. C has ruled out opening the marriage. And, to be honest, it doesn't hold a lot of attraction to me either. I am a one person guy and the complication of one relationship is enough. It works for some and more power to them.
2. Stay and be monogamous. It is not in my nature to be on the down low. I have said I will tell C before I have sex with a guy or for that matter anyone else. For me this has meant cutting off the gay part (pun partly intended). It means a shunting aside of who I am. Or at least I have yet to find accommodation. Now I have seen where both monogamy and the appearance of it (being on the down low) seems to work. Again more power to them.
I go irregularly to a group of gay married guys in a nearby city. There are only a couple of us whose marriages are good to excellent except for being gay. For many divorce was the only rational choice. But in my case C and I do very well other than that one no-so-little thing - I'm gay.
Again, I know whining doesn't help and I've covered this ground so many times in my own head that it seems I've worn ruts in the brain that are difficult to get out of.
So, steps for today.
- Continue to manage the pain with both conventional and alternative methods. It is manageable now. A couple or three weeks ago I couldn't type. I am doing it now without thought or hesitation.
- Continue to search for a new job while not burning bridges here. Assume that there will not be movement where I am currently that will be sufficient to make me stay, but don't rule it out. Continue to reflect on whether I could really be out here and asses the impact if I were to be out.
- Find an affordable, experienced, gay friendly therapist who doesn't have an agenda. I am not in therapy at this point - neither individual or couples. The last one seemed to have an agenda - to convince me I am bisexual and that the marriage could work. This will have to wait until after the copays are over for the shoulder/back.
- Begin to sit in meditation again at least for 20 minutes in the morning.
- Continue to breathe and realize that there is a way out even if I cannot see it at this point.
- Remember that I did not choose this path. I am not responsible for the society that left the closet as the only option for me. But I am responsible for my behavior now.