Drugs

Ok.  So I don't take a lot of drugs and never have. 

But since I've come out I think I've taken more than I have in the rest of my life - other than antibiotics.  And I've done my share of complaining - e.g., my effexor rants.

So I'm still fighting with the pain.  I have two protruding and two herniated disks in the c4-c7 range.  The pain is manageable now.  Acupuncture is working well.  

One of the meds I was on was Neurontin.  It was to help one of the nerves coming from my neck that is causing some of the pain and especially the numbness in the hand.  I had stopped taking it - I really do not like taking pills.  But on the advice of the doctor began taking it again. 

BIG MISTAKE!!

Now I am on wellbutrin for depression.  I should add with significant suicidal ideation in the past.  So I'm prone to depression and suicidal thoughts.  One of the side effects of neurontin is a marked increase in the incidence of suicide and violent death!!

So, last week I'm tooling along doing well.  Life looks good.  The pain is a whole lot less.  One of those interviews went very well.  The other went exceedingly well - they asked me in for a 2nd interview within 2 days of the first and asked for references.  Life is grand.

CRASH

C says something pretty innocuous. Mother in law is visiting.  I begin to fall apart.  I withdraw.  C leaves for an appointment.  I leave a bit later with all my meds (including the opiates) with the intention of eating them all.

I did not.  Made it home - scared the crap out of C and her mum.  And me.  Still a wreck the next day, but better.  Day after that back to normal.

Now who really knows, but it has been a while since I've felt that out of control - since I was a teenager.  I was VERY lucky not to be a gay teenaged statistic.  The only reasonable explanation is the Neurontin.  It may work for some; I am not one of them.

Bottom line - I will read about all the side effects of all the drugs I take.  I will then try to remember the side effects while taking the drugs, especially paying attention the psychological ones and alerting those around me to them so they can intervene before I crash and burn.