It's a wonderful thing and not so wonderful thing to have so much time off. For the past couple of years it's been particularly difficult as we come to turns with tgt and what it means in our lives.
First the wonderful - I got to spend a couple of hours mountain biking with the younger two kids in a nearby state park. What a wonderful time the three of us had. It is things like that that make the vacation wonderful.
It also gives time for C and I to spend a bit more time together. That is good and not so good. I try to avoid talking and inevitably feel better when I do talk - talk about perversity. She feels alone and isolated - like I have one foot out the door. That might be closer to the truth than either of us would admit.
Today though she asked the question. She was feeling isolated, disconnected and alone. So we took a walk through the neighborhood. She asked, "Can you commit to me." She is having difficulty staying present in the moment. And I had to say, "No, I cannot." Not that I will run out the door tomorrow or up and run away suddenly. We also talk a little bit about that fact that all of this is taxing on the kids. For instance, #2 Daughter was in tears after our bike ride today for no apparent reason.
Then as we continued to talk it dawned on me - worst case scenario is that we divorce, but keep the interests of the kids primary and treat each other with dignity and respect, caring for each other on some level. And that as a scenario is not all that bad.
Actually, the worst case scenario is that I crawl back into the hole of repression - that scenario is toxic. But that goes unsaid - we both know that that is not an acceptable scenario from experience.
"No, I cannot." That was incredibly brave for you to say that to your wife. It's the truth, however difficult the path maybe ahead for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteEven though we think teenagers are oblivious to everything around them, in fact they are highly perceptive. Your kids probably sense the tension, the uncertain future in your household.
Jim- Again the commitment depends on how strongly you love your wife/family vs living a completely gay life. I have talked to many formerly married gay guys who said leaving the marriage was the best thing they had done in their life. And I really really do see that - even in me - but then I realize I have been married 30 years and there are just too many connections to sever - just cant see doing it (at least now). So I am trying to stay married- and committed to being together. But still I told my wife I could never go back to suppressing my feelings - and will (and need to) have relations with guys. She is slowly accepting this- even yesterday she asked why I hadn't considered going out cycling with one of my gay friends who she knows I have had intimate fun with! So gradually this may be working out - maybe even a win-win situation for both of us. This being a unique form of commitment. In many respects I love my wife more for her accepting me and letting me be myself. Life has become much happier for both of us. Hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Tom from Cleveland
Tom Thanks for commenting on Jim's post. I am struggling with telling my wife that we should live a life together in the house, commited to a relationship, but just not a sexual relationship. If you could comment on it more that would be great. Thanks, and TOM. Keep up the good work. It is a struggle.
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