Friday, August 5, 2011
It's a wonderful thing and not so wonderful thing to have so much time off. For the past couple of years it's been particularly difficult as we come to turns with tgt and what it means in our lives.
First the wonderful - I got to spend a couple of hours mountain biking with the younger two kids in a nearby state park. What a wonderful time the three of us had. It is things like that that make the vacation wonderful.
It also gives time for C and I to spend a bit more time together. That is good and not so good. I try to avoid talking and inevitably feel better when I do talk - talk about perversity. She feels alone and isolated - like I have one foot out the door. That might be closer to the truth than either of us would admit.
Today though she asked the question. She was feeling isolated, disconnected and alone. So we took a walk through the neighborhood. She asked, "Can you commit to me." She is having difficulty staying present in the moment. And I had to say, "No, I cannot." Not that I will run out the door tomorrow or up and run away suddenly. We also talk a little bit about that fact that all of this is taxing on the kids. For instance, #2 Daughter was in tears after our bike ride today for no apparent reason.
Then as we continued to talk it dawned on me - worst case scenario is that we divorce, but keep the interests of the kids primary and treat each other with dignity and respect, caring for each other on some level. And that as a scenario is not all that bad.
Actually, the worst case scenario is that I crawl back into the hole of repression - that scenario is toxic. But that goes unsaid - we both know that that is not an acceptable scenario from experience.