Monday, September 16, 2013


It's been a long time since I've been paralyzed by all of this.  I'm not sure why I am paralyzed now or why it's been a while.  I suspect both are because I am on the brink of something different.  I have decided that I cannot sanely be married and gay.  I can't be not-gay.  I've tried that; it doesn't work.  Therefore, I cannot be married to a woman.

Then the waves crash in.

They threaten to overwhelm.

I was feeling the wave today - and it was not pretty.  I was anxious enough to find a place at work to curl up in.  Reading email was too much - everyone wants a part of me - there are too many things to do and setting priorities was overwhelming.

In looking for a picture of a tidal wave - which is what I felt I was in the midst of - I found this picture.  I may have used it before.  It is not a tidal wave, but a huge wave on the open sea. 

It puts it in perspective oddly enough for me.  Peoples of the sea, including some of my ancestors in Lough Foyle and the cold North Atlantic, have for millennia survived inundation.  That realization has helped.

I too can survive the wave.  I will get wet; I may get battered around.  But I will survive.  And a newer feeling - I want to survive.  Shades of Gloria Gaynor and I Will Survive.  Damn I really am gay.



  1. Many years ago when I was married to a woman and in your exact situation, I somehow found the strength to put in motion what I knew must happen in order for me to survive. Once everything was in motion-the divorce, will the kids hate me, will I lose my job, etc., I estimated I would have a year of absolute chaos. And it was.

    However-that year was SO worth it! Things settled down. I found out what I knew was true all along-whatever I had to go through to live life authentically was nothing compared to what I had gone through living a life that was not mine. You will survive! Isn't it great to want to survive? I remember not wanting to. Believe me life can be really good.

  2. Thanks Happyman - I like the moniker; it gives hope. It has been a week and I expect it to be a year, but my sanity is already in a better place.