It's been a long time since I've been paralyzed by all of this. I'm not sure why I am paralyzed now or why it's been a while. I suspect both are because I am on the brink of something different. I have decided that I cannot sanely be married and gay. I can't be not-gay. I've tried that; it doesn't work. Therefore, I cannot be married to a woman.
Then the waves crash in.
They threaten to overwhelm.
I was feeling the wave today - and it was not pretty. I was anxious enough to find a place at work to curl up in. Reading email was too much - everyone wants a part of me - there are too many things to do and setting priorities was overwhelming.
In looking for a picture of a tidal wave - which is what I felt I was in the midst of - I found this picture. I may have used it before. It is not a tidal wave, but a huge wave on the open sea.
It puts it in perspective oddly enough for me. Peoples of the sea, including some of my ancestors in Lough Foyle and the cold North Atlantic, have for millennia survived inundation. That realization has helped.
I too can survive the wave. I will get wet; I may get battered around. But I will survive. And a newer feeling - I want to survive. Shades of Gloria Gaynor and I Will Survive. Damn I really am gay.