Work has slowed down from the insanity that was August. I'm still working too much - a 13 hour day yesterday, 10 hour day tomorrow and another 12-13 hour day tomorrow although some of that day will be fun.
We had our introductory couples session last Friday. I survived. I still feel stressed around harming C in couples therapy in what is likely an overblown way.
The therapist already has pushed for me to get on meds. Since I have no health insurance this isn't likely to happen any time soon. She noted that this is hard work and the depression could return. She is undoubtedly correct.
Things I learned.
- I still can check out very quickly - that is just go away mentally. Although I did it less than I have in the past.
- The fear of being overwhelmed by all this is still very real.
- The therapist agrees that there is no good solution; our job is to do the best we can with what we have - it was good to hear that from someone else.
- Most troubling - C has outed me to my mother.
Well - tomorrow is my individual and this Saturday is couples session #2.
Question to consider now is when do I say what. And how do I say it. Do I want to leave the door open for other conversations.
And the worry around work. C and I have been out twice for work meetings in the past week. We are known as a couple that works well together and we do. What are the repercussions at work. Is it time to start looking again.
Damn this sucks on so many levels.
Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
Can't go around it.
Got to go through it.