Progress?

Wow.  I feel both lighter and heavier today.

On Monday at couples therapy I was able to indicate, while crying like Niagara Falls, that the marriage cannot go on as it is.

This is the big one I've been avoiding and fearing for a while.

The world did not come to an end.  While I knew it would not intellectually, I still did emotionally have concern about that.

C is okay.  She's only lashed out once - and was correct in her assessment that our move to the Midwest from the east was a mistake.  At least it was in the sense of the gay thing.  She then apologized.  I do not think I would be doing as well as she is.  Her poise and strength here make it all that much harder.

I know there will be tough times going forward - but we have the chance to do this well.

Goals for the day:

1.  Show up - be available for C
2.  Breathe
3.  Keep taking the psych meds - yep I'm back on anti-depressants for the past few days.

Overwhelmed

It's been a long time since I've been paralyzed by all of this.  I'm not sure why I am paralyzed now or why it's been a while.  I suspect both are because I am on the brink of something different.  I have decided that I cannot sanely be married and gay.  I can't be not-gay.  I've tried that; it doesn't work.  Therefore, I cannot be married to a woman.

Then the waves crash in.

They threaten to overwhelm.

I was feeling the wave today - and it was not pretty.  I was anxious enough to find a place at work to curl up in.  Reading email was too much - everyone wants a part of me - there are too many things to do and setting priorities was overwhelming.

In looking for a picture of a tidal wave - which is what I felt I was in the midst of - I found this picture.  I may have used it before.  It is not a tidal wave, but a huge wave on the open sea. 

It puts it in perspective oddly enough for me.  Peoples of the sea, including some of my ancestors in Lough Foyle and the cold North Atlantic, have for millennia survived inundation.  That realization has helped.

I too can survive the wave.  I will get wet; I may get battered around.  But I will survive.  And a newer feeling - I want to survive.  Shades of Gloria Gaynor and I Will Survive.  Damn I really am gay.

    

Sadness

I've been thinking about sadness.  I've been feeling it quite a bit too.

Yesterday in my individual therapy appointment it came up.  I am just plain sad about where I am.  That includes that it looks like the marriage with C is over.

When I fully consider that - when I can hold and really look at that the sadness can seem overwhelming.  Or I fear that it can be.  But the more I really look at it the more I realize the size of the sadness.  It is large, but not gigantic.  It demands attention and accommodation, but it  does not have to overwhelm me.  I can let it, but I no longer have to allow that.

I find it odd that I hadn't realized that before.  That some of my reticence in moving forward is fear of the feelings of sadness and grief that it will engender in me.  That the sadness is of course real.  And that it too shall pass.

I found it odd when I looked for an image of sadness that there wasn't a lot out there.  Or rather there wasn't a lot out there that was really about sadness.  Many of the images were stylized.   Do we avoid grief that much?  I certainly have.

Today I am sad.  Today I know it will not last for every.  Today I will feel my sadness and not let it overwhelm me.  That is amazing progress. 

Today I will continue to move forward through the sadness and grief. 

Tomorrow I will be okay.  Today I am okay.

Breathe.  (which is becoming a mantra, and rightfully so)

A week?

Has it really been a week since I posted?  Time does fly.

Work has slowed down from the insanity that was August.  I'm still working too much - a 13 hour day yesterday, 10 hour day tomorrow and another 12-13 hour day tomorrow although some of that day will be fun.

We had our introductory couples session last Friday.  I survived.  I still feel stressed around harming C in couples therapy in what is likely an overblown way.

The therapist already has pushed for me to get on meds.  Since I have no health insurance this isn't likely to happen any time soon.  She noted that this is hard work and the depression could return.  She is undoubtedly correct. 

Things I learned. 

1. I still can check out very quickly - that is just go away mentally.  Although I did it less than I have in the past.
2. The fear of being overwhelmed by all this is still very real.
3. The therapist agrees that there is no good solution; our job is to do the best we can with what we have - it was good to hear that from someone else.
4. Most troubling - C has outed me to my mother.

I'm not really sure what to make of #4 yet.  Knowing my mother she pushed and prodded C to know what was going on.  I really don't know what to make of this bit of information.  I am a little surprised I am not angrier.

Well - tomorrow is my individual and this Saturday is couples session #2.

Question to consider now is when do I say what.  And how do I say it.  Do I want to leave the door open for other conversations.

And the worry around work.  C and I have been out twice for work meetings in the past week.  We are known as a couple that works well together and we do.  What are the repercussions at work.  Is it time to start looking again. 

Damn this sucks on so many levels.

Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
Can't go around it.
Got to go through it.

 

Holding my breath

I've been holding my breath a lot recently - both literally and figuratively.

And the depression and thoughts of self harm are raising their lovely heads.  Today was overwhelming at least 3-4 times.

It's that damn fear of the unknown.  Friday is the first couples therapy in a long time.  While I wasn't happy it got moved forward a couple of weeks at first,  I am glad now.  Another couple of weeks of this would be no fun.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. 

It does help to slow down and just breathe deeply fully aware of that breath. 

It does not help that I am burnt at work.  I've taken maybe a day or too off in 18 months isn't a good plan.

Plan for the next few days:

Breathe
Breathe again
Make a plan to go visit my mother
Make a plan to take a detour to visit a gay friend who lives near by
Breathe