Time flies when you're having fun and when you're not.
Or is it: Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
That is the sort of subtle, but ever so profound shift I feel I am in the middle of.
Most of last week went well, quickly and well. Well that's not exactly true - most of the week was not dreadful would be more accurate. I joined and online group that consists of men who are or who are working towards being out to their wives. I had to write a bio for that which was helpful - no dear reader I will not share it here - there were identifying details ;).
I began there to develop a relationship with a guy that moved WAY to fast and far - thankfully he is quite a ways away from my abode. Saturday was a bit of a waste - tried to do school work unsuccessfully. Did I mention that I am in the last throes of a masters program dear reader.
Saturday night was not so good. In the evening I told her that we needed to talk. She assumed I had something of great import, i.e., that I had sex with another man. I told her that there was a guy on the list falling for me and that I was confused. That I wanted to be intimate with a man. That I was upset.
From there things went downhill. The wife took it well, but I did not. That old friend of self-loathing returned in spades. We were up to 12 or 1 at least. A very bad night.
Sunday, not much better. Church - I think, I don't really remember. The wife reports crying softly throughout church; I hardly noticed. She was crying for me. She took a nap and I spent about 3 hours in oblivion playing games on the internet. I did not think for hours!! It was wonderful. Now I know why I had been so attracted to such games for the past 15 years.
At any rate the rest of the evening was therapeutic for me. I got some work done on that paper that was due. When my wife got home from a meeting she was at we talked and talked again. Our resolution is to be in the moment. To be there for each other. To be there for the children. And to live life honorably. I think we both realize that the marriage will not work even in the short term - next 18 months or so, but that we may very well be together in some manner for years as a support for each other.
Monday was that class I have. Today I had to speak on the phone with the man who is falling for me and who for a while I was falling for. Professionally - he would like to do something similar to what I do professionally. It was good, it was uncomfortable. There is an expression in AA - keep it in your pants for the first year - it applies here as well in the sense of not leaping before looking, especially when one is emotionally vulnerable.
And if there are two words that sum up where I am feeling wise they would be emotionally vulnerable.
Today, right now I am in a good space.
Interesting side note - I think I wrote about Fr. Roy and his stating that in his experience as a gay man he doubted he could be with a woman because "his plumbing wouldn't work". My plumbing is being uncooperative ;) My wife notes that she felt there was something queer (pun fully intended) going on for awhile in bed, but she did not know what was. Now she knows what it is.
The puzzle pieces keep falling into place -and today that's ok.